


100 Ways to Say I Love You - Dan & Phil Edition

by Findus26



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 100 Ways to Say I Love You Writing Challenge, 2009 Era (Phandom), 2012 Era (Phandom), 2014 Era (Phandom), 2019 Era (Phandom), Canon Universe, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Fluff, Future Fic, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2020-05-19 04:56:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 25,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19349932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Findus26/pseuds/Findus26
Summary: A collection of one shots based on a list of writing prompts. No Alternate Universes, just some domestic fluff set at different stages between 2009 and the futureRated T, because there are some allusions to sexual content without there actually being any. Oh, and there's swearing, but I feel like it wouldn't be authentic if there wasn't.***Excerpt from the first chapter:They spent the whole walk holding hands and Dan felt like being thrown back into the year 2009, when every little touch was new and fresh and exciting. Maybe it wasn't so much about coming forward, he thought. Maybe it was more about no longer hiding. They knew that they could trust their viewers that once somebody saw them, news would spread fast.And when they did, Dan and Phil would address it. But for now, they were too busy enjoying being just another one of these couples, walking down the Thamse, holding hands and being stupidly in love.





	1. 19. Can I hold your hand?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey-o :)  
> Thank you for clicking. This is my first fanfiction ever, it's not beta-ed and English is not my first language. If you enjoy this work anyways, I would greatly appreciate feedback of any kind :)

Dan wasn't sure if there were more couples walking around London than usual today or if he was just more aware of them... Either way, he wasn't too happy about all the people holding hands, giggling, kissing, hugging and just being stupidly in love.

He and Phil had decided to leave the house for once. They'd gone out to buy a game they wanted to play on the gaming channel, but which had for some reason been out of stock forever online.

It was a really nice day out, Dan had to admit that much. The sun was shining, warming up the cold autumn air and the leaves had started turning colours, the first ones already falling to the ground, causing a crisp sound whenever they would step on them

Phil was walking two or three steps in front of him, careful to remain what they called their “public distance”. Whenever they were in the comfort of their own home, there was no such thing as personal space. Dan was sure they were touching roughly 85 percent of the time, leaving the other 15 for bathroom breaks and the times when one of them involuntarily rolled around in their sleep. Out in public though, they remained their distance, even extending it slightly after people started uploading slowed-down snippets of videos one of them had put online, trying to proof that the two were holding hands (which they weren't), touching, gazing at each other, or basically being a couple in any other way.

Of course they would never do any of those things while filming (at least not on purpose), but the more _dedicated_ part of their audience seemed to be using whatever footage they could get. Dan remembered one time he'd found a video of somebody trying to “expose their hand-holding” in a vlog from Japan. He also remembered the conversation that it sparked – not for the first time – about what to do. And he remembered Phil saying that he would never do anything against Dan's will, but that he was tired of hiding. And Dan understood, even though he didn't agree.  
“Maybe one day I'll be ready” Dan replied then and Phil's “Yeah, maybe” and the sad smile that followed were the parts of that conversation Dan recalled most clearly. 

Phil was – in Dan's opinion but also objectively– the best boyfriend anyone could ever wish for. He was so understanding and wonderful, he never pressured Dan and made sure that Dan was comfortable (or as comfortable as he could be, being the socially awkward person that he was) at all times.

In the years that had passed since they had this conversation, Dan couldn't help but circle back to the “What If?”s.  
_What if they did actually come out as a couple to their viewers?_ When he first imagined it, a horror scenario unfolded in front of his eyes, mainly sparked by the incident(s) of 2012 that the two boys tried to suppress as much as possible. Invasive questions, even more attention to every movement, every touch, every glance. And when they would inevitably break up, Dan thought, there would be nothing left but pieces, crying viewers and the general mess that could have been avoided by staying in the metaphorical relationship-closet. Recently though, his opinion had shifted.  
_What if they let the viewers in on the amazing love story that had been happening to him since 2009?_   Of course, people would go crazy, but he'd grown to believe that, just like himself, his audience had matured over the last years. It was important to him to make sure that the bond he and Phil shared was theirs - and theirs only. Just because you openly admit to being in a relationship doesn't mean you would have to share every secret, though. Every moment, every memory, every "first" they had shared. All that could stay between them if they wanted to. Also, the thought of them breaking up was long forgotten. Dan finally excepted that – for some odd reason – Phil loved him. Loved him unconditionally and would never leave him. He had gotten over the thought of being not good enough for Phil and was now happier than ever. Why would an amazing relationship like that end all of the sudden when it had been going rather smoothly for almost 10 years? They had been through a lot together and Dan knew, whatever the world threw at them, they would find a way to make it through.  
He now knew what Phil meant when he said that he was “tired of hiding”, because quite frankly, Dan felt the same way.

 

He was forcefully pulled out of his thoughts when he bumped into Phil, who had stopped to take a picture of the sun beautifully setting over the river Themse. Phil turned around, smiling at Dan fondly.

 _Gosh, this man is beautiful,_ Dan thought, _and he's all mine._ He wanted to show the world that this gorgeous, tall, blue-eyed man belonged to him – and him only. When Phil was done taking pictures and started walking again, Dan stayed close by his side.

“Hey Phil?” He took a deep breath and said – nervous, but absolutely confident in his decision: “Can I hold your hand?”

Phil's head snapped around to face Dan. “Daniel, you are aware that we are out in public?” he uttered in surprise. “Someone could see us” he added, more quietly this time, turning around as if to emphasize what he just said.

“Is that a 'no'?” Dan suddenly felt unsure. Maybe Phil had changed his mind after all?

“Of course not, you spork'” Phil answered, reaching for Dan's hand and holding on to it firmly. They both smiled down at their intertwined fingers. “How's about this... We go grab that game, go back home and you tell me all about what changed your mind.”

So that's exactly what they did. They spent the whole walk holding hands and Dan felt like being thrown back into the year 2009, when every little touch was new and fresh and exciting. Maybe it wasn't so much about coming forward, he thought. Maybe it was more about no longer hiding. They knew that they could trust their viewers that once somebody saw them, news would spread fast.And when they did, Dan and Phil would address it. But for now, they were too busy enjoying being just another one of these couples, walking down the Themes, holding hands and being stupidly in love.

 


	2. 4. Come here, let me fix it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2016 - Dan and Phil are in Hong Kong and Dan is only slightly salty about not catching a Farfetch'd

„I can't believe I did all that exercise for absolutely nothing!” Dan exclaimed loudly while plopping down on the bed next to a sniffling Phil, who looked a little better than he did when Dan had left him this morning. Then again, that might have been only due to the fact that his sick boyfriend had managed to put some clothes on in the meantime.

“At least you saw a little bit of Hong Kong. And got me my medicine, which makes me very grateful. Doesn't that count for anything any more?” Phil attempted a pout, but was interrupted by a round of violent coughs shaking his entire body.

“Sure, Mister 'I'm-not-even-leaving-the-hotel-room-and-still-catch-a-fucking-Farfetch'd'” Dan whined, seeming genuinely upset. “I'm going to hop in the shower to wash the smog, humidity and disappointment off my naked body" he added, taking his shirt off while heading towards the bathroom.

“That sounds like something I wouldn't want to miss” Phil said loud enough for Dan to hear on his way to the bathroom. He swung his legs out of bed, but halted immediately, head spinning from the sudden movement. Dan turned around and gently pushed Phil back on the bed.

“As nice as that sounds, I think you might be better off staying in bed. I don't want you to get even more sick than you already are. Also: Imagine if we both had a cold at the same time... I can see the tumblr conspiracies already.” Even though he meant it as a joke, they both knew Dan's statement contained at least a little bit of truth. He pressed a gentle kiss on Phil's unusually warm forehead as he headed back towards the shower. Phil was in no condition to argue, so he just wrapped himself back into his warm blanket and waited patiently for Dan to return.

 

Dan re-appeared a few minutes later, a towel wrapped loosely around his waist, drops of water still dripping from his hair onto his forehead and shoulders, and from thereon down over his naked torso.

“You can't just tease me like that and expect me not to do anything about it.” Phil said, biting his lip, only leading Dan to lower the towel a little more as he winked at Phil (that little shit) and sat down in front of the little mirror in their room, plugging in his straightening iron that had been sitting there since they arrived yesterday.

“I couldn't live in a place like this. I've been out for what – three hours? And my hair just turns into complete hobbit-mode. How is that fair?” Dan asked, not expecting an answer and proceeding to use the towel that was wrapped around his waist until a few seconds ago to now dry off his hair.

“Um...” Phil said eloquently, trying his best not to focus on the fact that Dan was now completely exposed in front of him. He would never get used to this sight. As if to tease him – which he probably was – Dan bend down to his suitcase and got out a fresh pair of boxers, exposing himself towards Phil in the process. Phil tried to focus his glance back at Dan's face. The slight smirk he found there confirmed his thoughts. Yup, Dan was definitely teasing him. And it was working, just like it always did.

“Anyway. Why can't my hair just be straight like yours? I mean that's just not fair” Dan sighed, falling back onto the chair, picking up the now heated straighteners and grabbing the first strand of hair. “I just don't want to put in the effort. I mean, this shit just takes ages.” He let the hair fall, which was now slightly less curly, nowhere near straight yet.

“Why are you doing it at all?” Phil asked, although he knew Dan's answer already.

“Are you serious? Have you seen the state of me?” Dan said, pointing at his curls, which were still slightly damp.

Phil never got why Dan had such a problem with his curls. He loved them, liked the way they fell naturally, one curl always hanging down onto Dan's forehead. He had an idea all of the sudden.

“Come here, let me fix it” he said, walking over to Dan and taking the hot iron out of Dan's hands.

“What are you doing, Phil? I don't trust you with burning hot things close to my head.” Dan's voice rang through the room, obviously alarmed.

“Well, it's a good thing we don't need it, then.” Phil smiled as he bend down – right in front of the younger man's face of course, he could be a tease as well – to unplug the iron.

“What the hell are you doing? Phil, I need to do this now, it's easier when the hair is still damp.” Dan sounded slightly annoyed, but Phil decided that this wouldn't stop him – not today. He had wanted to do this for a long time.

“Why do you need to do it at all? I mean, we're going to be spending the rest of the day in this hotel room anyway, you know that I am not bothered by your curls. Quite the opposite. I think you look amazing, no matter if your hair is curly or straight.” Dan tried to protest, but quickly had to give up as Phil wrapped him in a tight hug and pulled him onto the bed.

“Fine then” he replied, rolling his eyes and letting out an audible sigh. “But only because we are not leaving this room today. Do you wanna watch a movie or something?”

Dan wrapped himself into Phil's arm, one leg resting on his legs, head on the older men's chest. Phil smiled as he started playing with his boyfriend's beautiful, natural hair, barely paying any attention to the movie. Maybe, he thought, just maybe, one day Dan would learn to appreciate his natural hair as much as he did.

 


	3. 86. You're important, too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2015 - They're writing a book and Phil is STRESSED

Phil looked at the little clock in the right-hand corner of his monitor and a frustrated sigh escaped his mouth. It was 2 o'clock in the morning and he was absolutely exhausted. He hadn't properly slept in days and if he continued like this, it didn't look like that was going to change soon. As much as both Phil and Dan had to write this book, the pressure of creating good content for their audience – and for themselves, really – weighed on him. While Dan didn't seem to have many issues with writing interesting, funny stories that their viewers would care about, Phil was having trouble reminiscing about his childhood in a way that was interesting for anybody other than himself. It was different than filming videos, where he just talked without overthinking his choice of words or the general concept of structures and sentences. Phil had read most of what Dan had written so far and tried to compose something equally as good, but he had neither the wit nor the creative talent to do so. With his mind wandering off the topic of the document glimmering on screen, he rested his head on his hands, eyes flickering shut.

 

He rose up as if an electric jolt went through him when he heard a voice behind him.

“Don't you wanna come to bed?” Dan was standing in the door frame in his pyjamas, yawning and ruffling a hand through his curly hair.

“What are you doing here?” Phil asked, stress audible in his question. “I thought you went to sleep hours ago” he added, softer, smoothing out the harsh tone in his voice as he didn't want Dan to get suspicious.

“I did, but I woke up and you weren't there and then I was worried and thought I'd check on you...” Phil saw a light blush creeping up to Dan's cheeks. “What time is it anyway? Like 2 o'clock? You should really sleep, love" he added.

“As soon as I finish this, I promise.” Phil answered, gesturing at the monitor and turning back around to face it.

He heard Dan walk towards him and felt arms wrapping around his neck, Dan's head suddenly resting on his shoulder and his cheek pressing against Phil's as he glanced at the document. Phil quickly covered as much as he could with his hands.

“It's not done yet, you can't read it.” He was embarrassed to admit that not only was he still working on the same chapter he had been when Dan left him a few hours ago, he'd also barely made any progress within it.

“Don't be ridiculous” Dan said, intertwining Phil's hands with his own and gently pushing them down so the document was visible on the computer screen again. Phil felt anxiety creeping up to his throat as Dan's eyes flew over the few lines he had written.

“I like it” Dan said, smiling and pressing a short kiss to Phil's cheek. “But I'm sure that the rest can wait until morning.”

“No,” Phil replied sternly “I need to finish this. This is important, Dan.”

“Well, you are important, too. In fact, you are way more important then this stupid chapter. This whole book to be honest. How much have you slept in the last week?” He seemed genuinely worried. “I've gone to bed by myself all week and most of the time I didn't even hear you come in. And when I did, it was basically morning. But still you got up with me every day. This book is important to me, too, Phil, believe me. But there is no point in making it if I loose you to insanity before it's done.” Dan hugged Phil tightly, pressing another kiss on his cheek, and one on his forehead, and just for good measure, one on his temple and nose as well. He could feel Phil tense in his arms and when he looked him in the eyes, they seemed a lot more watery than usual.

Phil tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “It's just... everything you write is so good. It's... perfect in every way, just like you. And then when I try to write something... I just... it doesn't work. Especially these last few days, everything I write is just... blaaaaaah. I can't write like you. I can't... draw a picture through words.” He said that last part while gesturing quotation marks with his hands. It was what their creative writing instructor had told them a few weeks ago during one of their many meetings.

Dan sighed and pulled Phil impossibly closer. They stood in silence for a few seconds before Dan whispered in Phil's hair. “It's going to be fine. I love what you write. And I love you. Not sleeping properly for days isn't going to help anyone. How's about we go to bed and cuddle and then we'll sleep in tomorrow morning, I'll make you breakfast in bed, then we get back to writing. But only if you feel up to it. If you need help, I'm always here. I hope you know that. I think that you're writing is amazing and you can do it by yourself, but we can write some of it together if that makes you feel better. Okay?” He looked at Phil. His eyes were way less teary now and Dan even saw a little smile sneaking up to the lips he adored so much.

“Okay.”

“Okay”

“Maybe okay can be our always” Phil said and started giggling and running towards their bedroom as Dan slapped his bum, chuckling “You're an idiot” while chasing him.

 


	4. 41. Go back to sleep

Phil was wide awake as Dan quietly snored beside him. He had lost count of how many sleepless nights he'd had in his life. They usually started with him having a coffee right before bedtime. Whenever he laid in bed unable to sleep, he swore to never have caffeine after 6 pm again. Yet here he was, hardly sleepy and wondering about the important questions in life.

“Hey Dan” he whispered, only causing the mentioned to turn away from him.  
“Pssst... Dan” he said, a little louder this time. Dan sighed a little bit, and Phil knew that he was at least partially awake.   
“Do you think aliens have pets as well? Like little alien dogs and cat aliens? Caliens?” he giggled at his own pun only causing a whiny “Phiiiiiiiiiiil” from Dan, who covered his eyes with his hands, even though it was completely dark in their room.  
“No, but seriously, do they?” Dan sighed loudly, sitting up just the slightest bit by propping himself up on his elbows.

“Go back to sleep, please. We have to be up in what? 6 hours?” Phil glanced at the alarm clock on his night stand. 5 and a half hours actually. His mind was way too occupied right now to let that bother him though.

“Do you think Alien-Dan and Alien-Phil have an alien-dog? Since Earth-Dan and Earth-Phil can't have one?”

“I love the way your brain works, you know that, but can we please talk about this tomorrow?” Dan replied, getting a little desperate and whiny.

“I really want a dog, Dan” Phil emphasized.

“I do, too, Phil” Dan said, sitting up in their bed, giving up the resiliance.

“Promise me we'll get a dog once we actually buy a house instead of renting?”

Dan couldn't help but smile at the thought of him and Phil watching as their dog played in the garden, maybe even with a child or two as a play mate?  
“Promise” Dan said, giving Phil a tired kiss and seeing him light up as well. “It'll be everything we've ever dreamed of. You, me, two kids, a dog.... and maybe even an alien-dog” he added, planting another peck on Phil's lips.

“I can't wait for that day” Phil said, hardly able to contain his smile.

“Me neither... but let's go back to sleep now, okay?”

“Sure” Phil said, as they ruffled into a spooning position. He wrapped his arm around Dan, his chest pressed to his boyfriend's back.

“Now I've got something I can dream about.” he whispered. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is very short, sorry about that. Hope you liked it anyway :)


	5. 30. One more chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is having a bad day and Phil is there to comfort him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: this chapter deals with depression and although it doesn't go too deep into self-hatred, etc... be cautious reading this if you get affected by things like that. Thank you :)
> 
> Also, unlike the other works in this series, the "Established Relationship"-tag does not apply in this, but I'm pretty sure that's obvious.
> 
> Thank you for leaving kudos and comments, I appreciate them a lot :)

As soon as Dan woke up, he could just tell it was 'one of those days' again. He'd really hoped to feel better after the flop of a day that yesterday was. He grunted in frustration, tossing and turning from one side to the other aggressively in an attempt to get motivated to get up (as if he didn't know that it wasn't going to work). He looked at the alarm clock to his right and realized it was 12:30 already. Great, he'd slept through the first half of the day...

He could hear Phil rummaging in the kitchen, being the functional human he is, while Dan couldn't even get himself motivated enough to get breakfast. The small part of his brain that was reserved to logical thinking – even in times like this – knew he had to get up to eat eventually.

He'd spent most of yesterday in bed as well, only getting up twice to pee and taking one trip to the kitchen picking up a bottle of water and some snacks so he wouldn't have to move again. He spent all day laying in bed, contemplating life and – more importantly – death: his slow decay and the general nothingness that is his life, interrupted in his thoughts only when Phil knocked on the door to check if he was okay, to which he of course replied that he was. He knew that he hadn't been very convincing and that Phil didn't believe him, but after a few insistent “Fuck off”s from Dan, Phil did eventually leave, closing the door on his way out and looking slightly hurt.

Dan still felt bad about it, but not enough to actually move, go to Phil and apologize or basically do anything. He might as well embrace the useless piece of shit that was his existence and stay where he was.

Dan didn't know how long exactly it had been when he heard another knock on the door, just like yesterday.

“Dan? Are you awake?” he could hear Phil's slightly shaky voice muffled by the wooden door seperating them. Unable to produce actual words, Dan just made a noise that would somehow imply that he was.

“Can I come in?” Phil asked, this time only waiting for a few seconds, as if he didn't even expect an answer, before pushing the door open, a tray in his hands.

After Dan was over being impressed how Phil managed to open the door with his elbow without spilling everything he was holding onto the carpet, he turned around, head now facing the pillow and mumbled “What are you doing here?” into his pillow, which was probably barely audible to Phil.

“Well” Phil replied nonetheless, “You didn't really get out of bed all of yesterday and just seemed in a... mood. So I made you breakfast.”

Breakfast was the understatement of the century. On the tray that Phil had now settled onto Dan's night stand was a plate of freshly made waffles, a bowl of fruit salad and a glass of what appeared to be freshly pressed orange juice.

“'m not hungry” Dan simply said, resting his head back on the pillow.

“I know you aren't” Phil said in a soft voice, “But you didn't eat at all yesterday. At least nothing that could count as food. Plus, I just spent about an hour in the kitchen, we are not letting this go to waste.” So Phil plonked himself onto the bed next to Dan, reaching for the remote and switching on the TV, zapping through the channels until he found a documentary about whales.

It was moments like these that Dan realized how on-brand-ly amazing Phil actually was. He didn't force Dan to 'talk about his feelings' or 'smile a little'. It was these moments of co-existing, not saying a word while Dan slowly sat up in bed, reaching for the glass of orange juice, that helped him more than Phil would probably ever know.

 

Dan had finished his waffles (which were absolutely great) and his fruit salad (surprisingly tasty considering how healthy it was) a while ago and the wildlife documentaries had switched from whales to big cats in Africa when Phil turned around to face Dan again.

“How are you feeling?”

“I've been better, but breakfast helped, actually, so thank you for that.”

Phil smiled. “You're very welcome, but as today is national make-Dan-feel-better day, the next activity on our agenda will start in just a few minutes. I'll be right back, okay?”

Before Dan could object, Phil got up, took the tray back into the kitchen and wasn't seen again for a good 15 minutes.   
It was almost 3 pm now and Dan wondered where the time went, feeling his mood cloud again now that Phil was gone. Just before he could get himself back into a spiral of negative thinking, Phil appeared back in the door frame, holding a bathrobe in his hand.

“I ran you a bubble bath, thought maybe you could use some relaxation. Just stay in there for as long as you want to and call me if you need anything, I'll be close by.” Dan took the robe out of Phil's hands, simply uttering a short “Thanks” before walking towards the bathroom, as he didn't really know what else to say.

Scented candles were the only thing illuminating the bathroom, soft music was playing in the background and the world's greatest looking bubble bath was waiting for Dan. He could feel himself relax as he got into the bath, the warm water surrounding and comforting him. It felt like finally being able to let out a breath he had been holding for the last couple of days.

The wonderful, warm feeling lasted for all of five minutes before his stupid brain interrupted him again. So there he was, supposed to relax, the environment a perfect one to be happy in... and still, those demons in his head just wouldn't shut up. Well, if that wasn't the story of his life. On bad days like this one, there was only one thing that could make it better.

“Phil?” he heard himself shout before he could rationally think about it.

Almost instantly, Phil was there, a worried expression on his face. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah” Dan quickly replied, a lie he had so often stated that he even believed himself on most days, “it's nothing, nevermind.”

Phil just smiled, catching Dan's lie, but feeling no need to comment on it. “Do you want me to stay here with you?” he asked instead.

“How do you know me so well?” Dan said, nodding to answer Phil's previous question.

“Well, I've had about 8 years of practice now, so that helps” the older man replied while sitting down on the closed toilet lid.

There'd been a time where Dan would have thought it was awkward to have Phil in the room while he was taking a bath, but those times were long gone. Lines were blurred by comfort and friendship, until they eventually didn't exist anymore and by now, they had reached a wonderful state of “whatever happens consensually is okay” which was probably the healthiest type of relationship they'd had since meeting in 2009. There was just something truly wonderful in the closeness between human beings, not necessarily (exclusively) romantic or sexual, that always brought Dan comfort when he was around Phil.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asked shyly, a little unsure of whether this was the right time.

“I don't really know what to talk about. It's just... one of those times. Maybe it's the meds, I'll check with my therapist when I see her on Thursday.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, that's probably a good idea.”

“Phil? Can you tell me a story?” Dan cringed a little on the inside because honestly, that was a pretty fucking awkward question to ask your best friend, who's sitting on the toilet watching you take a bath. Phil, however, didn't even blink at the question. Instead, his eyes lit up and he jumped up from the toilet seat, shouting a quick “I'll be right back” before disappearing out of sight.

He was back almost immediately, holding on tightly to a book in his hands, which seemed to be rather old and run-down. You couldn't even read the letters on the side anymore and the plain green cover didn't give anything away either. Phil sat back down, this time on the floor next to Dan, using a towel as a cushion. He opened the book and started reading:

“HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump” Dan's eyes opened wide in shock of hearing the first lines of his favourite childhood book come to life in the voice of his best friend.

“How... How did you...?” Dan tried to ask.

Phil smiled at him and put a finger up to his own mouth. “Shhh...” After a few seconds, he added: “A yard sale I went to a while ago, just thought this might come in handy one day... Anyway, where was I?" He didn't wait for Dan to comment, although Dan felt like he had a whole lot to say right now. "Oh, right: Bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs...”

Dan closed his eyes then, enjoying his favourite person reading his favourite book to him, a smile creeping up to his cheeks and a warm, fuzzy feeling starting to spread in his tummy.

It was quite a while later, Dan's skin had gone wrinkly (by the bath water, not old age... he wasn't in the bath that long... or at least that's what he hoped, he'd lost all sense of time). The water was getting cold, but Dan just didn't want to get up.

“One more chapter?” he asked Phil, who was about to close the book. The older man chuckled quietly.

“You've been in there for ages. The water must be cold by now and if you get any more wrinkly, people will start mistaking you for me.” He paused, Dan didn't seem convinced yet. “Plus, all the bubbles have sort of disappeared by now” Phil laughed, his tongue peeking out between his teeth as Dan felt heat rise to his cheeks, probably making him blush notibly.   
“So how's about this:” Phil added “You get out of the bath, put on the cosiest of PJs and I'll make you a tea and meet you in your bed in 10?”

“Phil Lester, you are an actual angel” Dan said, propping himself up in the bathtub as the mentioned left the room.

 

Dan was already tucked up in bed when Phil came in ten minutes later, a steaming mug in one hand, a hot water bottle and the book in the other. He handed both the tea and the hot water bottle to Dan before moving to the other side of the bed. Phil sat up against the headboard of the bed and Dan moved closer to cuddle against his side as Phil opened the book again and started reading again.

“Chapter Seven, in which Kanga and Baby Roo come to the forest, and Piglet has a bath.” He smiled down at Dan, “Now, if that isn't accurate, piglet DID just have a bath.” He chuckled as Dan nudged him in the side with his elbow, but didn't let that stop him from reading on. “Nobody seemed to know where they came from, but they were in the forest...”

It had gotten dark outside a long time ago and Dan felt sleepier by the minute, but everytime Phil would finish a chapter and check to see if Dan was still awake, the younger boy would mumble “One more chapter?” So Phil read one more chapter to him. And another one after that, and one last one after that until eventually, Dan's breath had evened out and his eyes weren't opening at the loss of sound anymore. Phil put the book down on the night stand, took off his glasses and slowly slid down until he was comfortably lying next to Dan, who was readjusting in his sleep to the new position by completely enveloping himself around Phil. Phil wiggled one arm free to switch off the lamp next to the bed and pressed a short kiss onto Dan's hair before drifting into the sweet dream world of Christopher Robin himself.

 


	6. 98. Take a deep breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW (and spoiler ;) ): Phil has a panic attack in this one - please don't read if those trigger you. Thank you :)

Phil heard the audience, even though he couldn't see them yet. And the sound terrified him. He knew how many tickets had sold for this premier, but it didn't feel real until just now. He thought of the first time he realized how many people were actually subscribed to him – how much one million, then two, then three... actually was. How overwhelmed he'd felt. This was kind of like that.

The show was going to start in fifteen minutes, people were walking around him, mumbling words he didn't understand through walkie-talkies, hecticly pacing back and forth.

Dan had left him to go to the bathroom – the fifth time within the last 30 minutes – and Phil's anxiety, which he had supressed up until now, was catching up with him. So many people came to see him and Dan put on a show. What if they didn't like it? What if they only came to see Dan, but were now stuck to watching him as well? What if he blacked-out? What if he started mumbling and messing up words? What if there was a power outage? There were just so many things that could go wrong and all of the sudden, Phil didn't feel remotely ready for what was to come.

He felt Dan's hand sliding into his and pressing it lightly and freaked a little at the touch, pulled out of his thoughts. For some reason, Dan's fifth trip to the bathroom seemed to have calmed him down. “Phil, are you okay? You look even more pale than usual.” Dan nudged Phil's side at the remark – one which would usually earn at least a smile from the older man – but Phil just stared at him, pure terror visible on his face. “I don't think I can do it.” he said. Dan stared right back at him. “Don't you think it's a little late for that, love?”

“I can't do it. I'm not prepared. I'm not made for this. When I started YouTube, I never imagined THIS. I can't go up on that stage. I won't be able to say a single word, it'll be just like it was back in theatre class. Why did I ever agreed to this? What if I mess up the dance? Or the singing? Oh my God, Dan, I have to sing in front of all these people. I can't do that. I'm going to mess everything up for both of us, everybody is going to be so disappointed and I will screw it up and you'll leave me and hate me and everybody will hate me and... and... and...” Phil was snapping for air, unable to fill his lungs with the much needed oxygen. He hadn't had a panic attack in months, years even, but this was just all too much.

Panting for air, Phil was now crying, desperate to breathe, but unable to do so. But as always, Dan was right there. It took him two seconds to realize what was going on, another five to make a paper bag magically appear, two more to hold it in front of Phil's face and only a fraction of a second to have the black-haired man wrapped in a hug, stroking his hair gently and whispering in his ear. “Shhh, Phil, it's all going to be okay. Can you take a deep breath for me, dear? Let me count, okay? One... two... three... and exhale. Good job. Can we do another one together?”

Dan had walked Phil through a few panic attacks since they first met, but it still freaked him out every time. Phil was usually the calm one out of the two, always friendly, always happy, always calm, always knowing the right thing to say and do. But no matter how much Dan was freaking out while holding Phil, he knew that his boyfriend needed him to be the calm and collected one right now. Calm and collected, as if he knew what he was doing, he reminded himself. So Dan just continued stroking Phil's hair, whispering in his ear, desperately trying to calm him down. “None of that is going to happen” Dan said, when Phil's breathing finally evened out to an almost normal level, occationally disrupted by hickups. “You can absolutely do this, you more than anyone. No one ever expected YouTube to be what it is, but yet, here we are. And no matter what happens tonight, I am so, so, so, so incredibly proud of you.” Dan looked around, but everybody was so involved in their own business that he deemed it safe to press a little peck on Phil's lips. “Are you really?” Phil said, leaning his head onto Dan's shoulder. “Are you kidding? You've written a book. You created an entire world for people to love and feel safe in. You helped so many people with your videos and you are just generally the best person ever.” Dan held up Phil's chin, wanting to make sure that Phil got every single word of what he said. “But all of that I did with you, Dan. What if they're only here for you?” - “Well, than you have even less to worry about as they won't care about you then” Dan replied, placing another kiss on Phil's forehead, by now sure it was okay to make jokes again. And sure enough, he felt the body that was wrapped up inside his arms beginning to shake, muffled laughter erupting from it. “You're a dick” Phil simply said. They let go of each other when they saw somebody walk over to them with their microphones. “That's why you love me” Dan mouthed quietly while the eager man was wrapping Phil up in cables, wires and all that shi... stuff. “I do” Phil mouthed back and Dan was grinning like an idiot.

 

“One minute to go, everybody ready?” Dan heard somebody shout from the back. He looked over to Phil next to him. “Ready?” he asked, squeezing his hand lightly. Phil took a deep breath, looking over to the man on his side, once again asking himself how he ever got that lucky. He was about to start his own tour, after having written a book, with a few million people watching his videos, a few hundreds of those here tonight to see him. And while that thought was exactly what freaked him out just minutes ago, everything was calm now. Phil knew the reason for it, knew that everything he was able to do now, was because of the man by his side. So he squeezed back lightly, mouthing “More than ready” as the show began.

 


	7. 96. I brought you an umbrella

_“_ FINE THEN” was the last thing Dan yelled before slamming their apartment door shut and running down the stairs in a desperate attempt to get away from Phil. 

He didn't even know what had initially started the fight, maybe Phil said something that Dan took the wrong way because he was tired, maybe everything had just been a little 'too much' lately, spending pretty much all of their time together, working together, living together, loving eachother. Maybe it was Dan's medication that had recently been reduced in dose and got him feeling all sorts of ways. Sometimes, he just needed to get everything out of his system, blow off all steam and be angry at Phil. There was a little part of his brain – the rational part, probably – that knew this fight was hardly Phil's fault. Of course, when Dan said those hurtful things, Phil reacted: yelled, cried and even cursed at Dan, but it was probably out of pure frustration. 

Dan realized he'd stopped just outside of their house, not moving. He didn't know where to go anyway. The British weather was resembling his mood, thick, heavy raindrops falling on the pavement, soaking through the fabric of his t-shirt, turning it a darker shade of black. 'At least no one can see what a pathetic looser I am, crying like a baby' Dan thought as his tears mixed with raindrops falling on his cheeks. 

He wanted to go back upstairs and apologize, he wanted everything to go back to normal, but he was so embarrassed. Phil was always there, was his rock even when times where tough, yet Dan couldn't even face an argument with him without running off like a bratty teenager. He heard the door open behind him and turned around to see Phil standing in the door frame, eyes red and a long object in his right hand. “I brought you an umbrella” he stated, raising his hand slightly as if to emphasize the obvious. “I don't want you to get sick while you're out here, so at least protect yourself from the rain.” He paused, still standing in the door frame and waiting for Dan to take the umbrella/peace offering presented to him. Dan however didn't move. “Or... Or you could always just come inside and we can talk about it.” Phil smiled a sad smile, the one that never reaches his eyes, and looked down to the ground. How could Dan possibly stay mad? How could he stay mad when Phil was so full of love, even in the worst of times, taking care of him and making sure he was alright? So Dan took a step inside, wrapping his arms around Phil, who jumped slightly because of how wet Dan was at this point. “I don't like fighting with you” Dan said, tears rolling down his eyes. Phil detached his head from Dan's shoulder to look the younger boy in the eyes, his thumbs brushing over Dan's cheeks to stop the little drops – be it tears or water – from running down. “Then why do you keep doing it, you silly boy?” His voice was full of love and warmth and home, locking the disgusting weather outside, catching Dan and bringing him back to the safe haven that was Phil.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop whoop, guess who's writing this instead of doing uni work... That's right, it me! Thanks for reading <3


	8. 42. Is this okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a 40-page essay to hand in this week and instead of doing that I wrote some (very mild) smut... I should probably reconsider my life choices, so please: Enjoy this whilst I have a mental breakdown :)))

Dan was panting heavily beneath Phil. His thoughts were hazy and a little unclear. He didn't quite know how he ended up here, with a boy he met in person just a few days ago, but felt like he'd known forever because of endless days and nights spent talking to each other online. Every cell of his being craved for Phil's touch, for his attention, for his love and affection. And Phil, whose hand had just now started to creep up Dan's shirt, seemed more than willing to give. Dan shivered lightly at the touch of Phil's hands on his naked skin, causing the older to halt his movements. “Is this okay?” he asked, quietly. Dan nodded in agreement, and Phil continued up, up, brushing over Dan's nipples, making the boy let out an obscene moan. “Huh, you really like that, don't you?” Phil giggled. Dan could feel his face flush red from embarrassment. 

Phil seemed to get the situation immediately, planting another chaste kiss onto Dan's lips. “Hey, no need to be embarrassed. How's about you take that shirt of, so I can have better access to them.” He  started tugging at the hem of Dan's shirt, who raised his arms up so Phil could slide it over his head, dropping it on the floor and moving his attention back to Dan's now exposed torso. 

“You are so pretty” Phil said, because how could he not, because Dan  was  pretty. Dan smiled and blushed a little, once again. “I don't think anyone has ever called me pretty before” he said. “Well, you are” Phil whispered in Dan's ear, starting a trail of kisses down Dans neck (which made the younger boy quiver and moan, Phil made a mental note that this part definitely needed to be revisited), down his chest, stopping to give his nipples a tentative flick with his tongue, before proceeding down towards his navel and eventually reaching the hem of Dan's boxers, which were poking out underneath his jeans.   
“Would you be okay with taking off your trousers?” Phil asked, looking up at Dan from his position just above the tent in Dan's pants, clearly visible even through the thick layer of denim covering them. “I'm...” Dan started “I'm... not sure”. His vioce was tense. Phil decided to retreat from his position for now and moved back up, so his body was next to Dan's and they were laying face to face. 

“It's just...” Dan paused again, Phil could almost see his brain working on a perfect way to phrase what he had to get off his chest. “I've never... been with a boy. You know, like that.” Phil smiled reassuringly. “That's okay. We can figure it out together. When you're ready.”

“I'm sorry if you had like... expectations for this week. I'm not sure if I can meet them.” Dan turned away from him now. “Hey” he said, trying to gently turn Dan's face back around to him. “Hey” he said again, more sternly this time. When Dan's eyes met his, Phil continued: “You exeed all of my expectations, Dan. You are absolutely wonderful and I am so glad that I finally got to meet you this week. I would be more than happy spending all my time just talking to you, cuddling you... maybe kissing you some more” Dan smiled gently at that and let out a little huff of relieve. “I'd like that, too. And I liked what we were doing before just maybe... maybe nothing below the belly. Not yet, I mean.”

Phil smiled at that, pecking Dan's lips. “Fine by me” - “Except I've kinda ruined the mood now, haven't I?” Dan said, burying his face in his hands once again. “With a body like that?” Phil replied. “Not a chance” the last word was muffled by Dan's skin, as Phil once again moved towards Dan's neck, kissing and breathing against it gently. “Yup, there it is, there's the mood” Dan chuckled lowly. 

“Maybe...” he started once again. “Maybe you want to take off your shirt as well? I mean, if you're comfortable with that.” Phil was, so his shirt was discarded next to Dan's on a little pile next to the bed. The sensation of Dan's hands on Phil's chest was amazing, every little touch leaving an afterglow as Dan's fingers travelled up and down his chest, his collarbones, his arms... 

 

They had so much to explore, Phil thought, and this was more than enough for now.

 

 


	9. 59. Wow

Dan was standing infront of the mirror in the hallway of their flat, running his hands over his chest, trying to straighten the non-existent crinkles on his shirt. He was wearing a black button-up that he'd just recently bought while out shopping with Phil. He still wasn't sure of it, it was rather tight, almost like it had been tailormade for him. He'd had to get a couple of new dress shirts, because his anti-depression workout routine had started to show not only in his mental wellbeing, but also his body: His shoulders had grown wider and the belly he had accumulated over the last few years of pizza and ice cream had gotten significantly less chubby. Dan was not entirely comfortable in the shirt, but Phil's look when he opened the curtain of the changing room in the shop was convincing enough for him to buy it. 

They were going out for a fancy meal with a few friends, so Dan decided to take out the shirt for the occasion, hoping their meal wouldn't turn into the same kind of disaster it did when they went out for Louise's surprise dinner that one time... 

“Wow” he heard Phil say behind him and turned around quickly, his hands dropping to his sides and a slight blush creeping up to his cheeks. “I know you're doing all that exercise for your brain... but your body sure is responding as well” the older man said, slowly walking up to Dan and placing his hands on Dan's shoulders and brushing over his chest. Dan was sure his face was by now a deep beetroot-red as he muttered “Shut up.” He embraced Phil in a hug to hide his blush. “We both know that you always have, and always will be the attractive one in this relationship” the younger man added, placing a short kiss on Phil's lips. “I beg to differ” Phil replied without detaching his lips from Dan's. He kissed him again, this time more passionately. He squeezed Dan's bum with one of his hands, making Dan gasp in surprise. He could feel Phil smiling against his lips again. “It's amazing what squats can do... I mean, I've always loved your butt... But this... This is butt 2.0. Maybe I should consider joining you in your workout...” Dan took both of his hands out of Phil's hair then and let them slide over his back to rest on his bum. “Actually, shut up. Your butt is perfect, as is everything else about you.” - “Same back to you.” 

They were properly making out now, hands and tounges roaming freely, Dan's back pressed against the wall as Phil was slowly unbuttoning his shirt, sucking on the sensitive spots on his neck, careful not to leave marks that a shirt couldn't cover. Dan felt his body twitch in excitement of what was to come. Just then, the doorbell rang. Both of them let out a deep sigh, letting go of each other. Dan went to rearrange himself in the mirror, buttoning his shirt up and fixing his hair before joining Phil at the door to see which one of their friends had arrived. 

 

They were in the taxi now, Louise up front with the driver as Dan, Phil, and Hazel were tightly squeezed in the back. Louise was telling a funny story and both the taxi driver and Hazel were laughing, almost crying from cackling so much when Phil scooted impossibly closer to Dan. Dan sucked in a sharp breath when he felt Phil's cold hand underneath his shirt, stroking across his abs that had started to show. “Once again... Wow” Phil said. He looked at Dan properly before adding, whispering for only Dan to hear. “You know, as good as you look in this shirt... I can't wait for you to take it off for me.” Dan gulped, desperately trying to keep a straight face as Phil simply retracted the hand from under Dan's shirt and returned to the conversation going on in the car. 

 


	10. 39. Don't cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan publishes "Basically, I'm Gay"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This briefly mentions the suicide attempt Dan talks about in his video

„That's it, it's online“ Dan felt calmer than he expected to at this moment. It reassured him that taking a year to refocus was the right decision. Last year, he'd wanted to come out. He really had. But he wasn't ready. Everytime he went back home to talk to his family, he felt anxious, nervous. The thought of having to face them and announcing his true self after hiding all these years just seemed too much for him to handle. And even though in the end he told them by e-mail, it was the right time and the right way for him then. And now, he was ready for the world to find out. Not just about his sexuality (although Dan knew that this was probably going to be the thing people would be talking about the most), but about why it took him so long to come out. About the struggles he faced and the issues people in the LGBTQIA+ community faced. The 45-minute-video that he just posted was probably the work he was most proud of. That, and the last tour he did with Phil. Phil, who was mentioned in this video, because how could he not be? Dan literally wouldn't be where he is without him. Not on the couch in their shared appartment. Not in London, probably. Not in the crazy career they shared. He wouldn't be where he was emotionally. Happy, at least on most days. Proud of who he was. Confident in what he could do. And most essentially: Dan wouldn't be here in the literal sense of the word. Dan was sure, if he hadn't found Phil (or Phil had found him), there would have been a second attempt. Who knows if he would've succeeded. He was in a very, very dark place then. Now, his world was so much brighter. The light that quite literally radiated off of Phil (he really was that pale) had shone onto him and illuminated his life.

As if Phil knew he'd been thinking about him, Dan felt his arms coming up from behind, wrapping around his shoulders. „I just saw the notification. You actually did it. I am so. so. so. so. so. so. so proud of you.“ He emphazised his pride by pecking Dan's cheek multiple times. Then he walked around the couch to fall into the vacant spot right next to Dan. „Thank you.“ Dan replied. „You know I couldn't have done it without you.“ Phil smiled a bright smile at that. „I'm sure you could have. But I'm really glad you chose not to.“ He gave Dan a little peck on the lips before taking the laptop, which was still open and showing a „Upload Successful“-Notification. „Have you checked for reactions yet?“ Phil asked. „Not yet“ Dan replied. „I scheduled a tweet to go up once the video was up. I'm not scared of the negative reactions, though.“ If nothing else could show how far Dan had come, this single statement did. Years ago, maybe even a few months ago, Dan would've been anxiously waiting for replies to come in, picking out the few negatives in the storm of positivity. „Do you want to look?“ Phil asked. Dan smiled and slowly took the computer out of Phil's hands.  
  


***  
  
It must've been hours. Dan just couldn't stop reading. There were short messages of support, from real-life friends and family, fellow online creators as well as viewers. There were longer tweets and direct messages, people telling Dan their story, how this video helped them. There was a long text from his brother, who had already found out via family-email, but sent a long, heartfelt message nonetheless. He was smiling like crazy. And while he was reading all of those messages, Phil was right there, like he always was, rubbing his back or squeezing his arm when Dan stumbled across an especially emotional message and needed someone to hold onto.   
Finally, it was a message like many others that send Dan over the edge.  
  


_Hey Dan. I know the chances of you reading this are very slim, as I'm sure your Dms are flooded right now, but for the rare chance that you do: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't know if you've heard this, but there's this theory going around in the „Phandom“. It says that everybody here finds you and Phil at a time in their life where they most need to. I guess tonight proved once again how right that is. I was so alone. So. Incredibly. Alone. When I found your videos. But you are absolutely right: One person accepting you can make all the difference. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Thank you, for being that person. Thank you for accepting me, even when you were struggeling so much with your own identity..._

 

Dan felt tears welling up in his eyes, not for the first time tonight and the words infront of him were starting to blurr. „Hey, don't cry“ Phil said, wrapping his eyes around Dan and holding him tight. Despite the very serious nature of both his video and the message he'd read just now, Dan couldn't stop the next word from escaping his mouth: „Craft.“ he simply said, sending them both into a fit of laughter, which made the water in Dan's eyes finally spill over. „You really are a walking meme.“ Phil added, between their giggles. „I'm not sure this is what I want my legacy to be.“ Dan was now hiccuping from crying, laughing and then cry-laughing.„What are you talking about? Personally, I find 'Don't cry, craft' to have a very wholesome and inclusive message.“ Phil's tongue made an appearance between his teeth in the way Dan found so incredibly endearing. „Oh fuck off“. Phil, still smiling, cleared his throat: „On a more serious note: I think you're on the right track to leaving a legacy with a little less crafting and a lot more rainbows, don't you think?“

 


	11. 44. I'll drive you to the hospital

They were lounging on the sofa, Phil wearing his ridiculous emoji pjyamas. Dan had hoped that, since they were cheap, that would also mean they'd rip easily, but unfortunately, he'd been proven wrong. At this point, he was certain that if a nuclear bomb was to hit, this ugly yellow abomination of fashion was going to be the only thing left intact on an otherwise destroyed planet.

Dan was left in only his boxers. He got uncomfortable in his jeans earlier and was too lazy to get his jogging bottoms from the bedroom, so instead he just wrapped himself up in a blanket. They were watching _Strictly Come Dancing_ when Phil's phone went off. Dan could see him reach for it and unlocking it. Phil jumped up, as if suddenly stung by a bee.

„It's time“ he simply said. It took Dan a couple of seconds to realize what Phil was talking about (a part of him was still stuck on the vision of a single pair of yellow pyjamas dangeling in the wind of a nuclear wasteland). As soon as he _did_ get what Phil meant, he got up and wiggled his way into his jeans, which had been discarded right next to his spot on the sofa.

„I'll drive you to the hospital“ he said, already on his way into the hallway where their car keys were laying in a bowl with all the other keys.

„I can drive. I just need to get some real trousers really quick,“ Phil said, „I don't think I want my niece or nephew to see me in my emoji pyjamas as one of their first impressions of life.“ Dan looked down at Phil's legs, now walking towards their bedroom. „Yeah, that seems like a good idea. Don't want the baby to crawl back up again.“ He regretted saying it as soon as the words left his mouth, desperately trying to get the forming pictures out of his head again.

 

He was nervously fiddleing with the car keys while waiting for Phil. Phil wasn't a good driver at the best of times (although Dan had to admit that he'd gotten a lot better at it once they'd moved out of the city and couldn't get the underground or taxis everywhere anymore). But right now, there was no way in hell he'd let him drive.

 

***

 

„Can you believe it?“ Phil said, now wearing black skinny jeans and sitting in the passenger seat of their small Toyota. „I'm gonna be an uncle. You're gonna be an uncle.“ Even though Dan focussed on the road, he threw a quick glance at Phil, who was smiling brightly at the thought.

„Also, your parents will finally stop asking us about when we plan on having children, that's a plus.“ Dan was joking, obviously. Kath and Nigel had only ever teased them in good fun (at least that's what he told himself so he wouldn't freak out).

„We can just be the fun gay uncles teaching that child everything they need to know in life,“ Phil added.

„Like what?“

Phil thought about it for a second. „Like... How to make friends with every dog you see. Or how to make a mess out of your kitchen while attempting to bake. Or the very important life lesson that you always need to order every single dip and condiment on a take-away menu.“ While Phil was obviously joking, Dan deemed the last one to actually be a valuable lesson to any family offspring.„That's it, that's the most important one“ he therefore said. „Maybe we can write that in his or her first birthday card.“

Phil huffed out a laugh at that and used his 'sophisticated voice' while miming to write something with his hands. „Dear Timm-eh, congratulations on making it this far. Now you're off the milk, better start the dipping.“ They both chuckled at that, before the car was filled with comfortable silence.

„Do you think it will be fun being parents someday, too?“ Phil asked out of the blue. „I'm sure“ Dan said without thinking about it. Even though the thought of being a parent terrified him, he knew he wanted to be a father, especially with Phil by his side.

The more he thought about it though, the less he believed his own words. He wasn't sure if it was the right time to bring it up, but some intrusive thoughts suddenly weighed on him. „Except... If we're parents, we can't just do all the fun stuff, you know. As uncles we kinda get to pass on everything involving actual parenting. Once they're yours you can't... And I'm not so sure if I'd be good at that.“

Phil's first instinct was to simply disagree. And even though he did (he knew Dan would make a great father), he felt like it wasn't what Dan needed in that moment. „What makes you say that?“ he asked instead. Dan smiled a sad smile at that, the one that always appeared on his face when he was reminiscing about his past. „You know, it's just... I was an accident, my parents never really got the hang of that parenting-thing. Not with me, at least. They were better with Adrian, clearly...“ He stopped talking, but Phil didn't need him to finish the thought. He knew that Dan's childhood wasn't great and that, even though his relationship with them was much better now, there were scars caused by his parents (unintentionally, mostly), that Dan was scared to pass onto his own children.

Phil wasn't delusional. He knew there would be challenges (is there anyone who wouldn't face challenges when raising an actual human being?!), but he knew that they could master them together. „I really believe that your experiences are going to make you a better parent in the long run, you know?“ Dan looked at him again, his smile slowly becoming more genuine, even though it didn't reach his eyes just yet. „Do you mean that?“ he asked. „Of course!“ Phil nodded vigorously. „You would be a great dad. No doubt in my mind. And about what you said before... About it not only being fun, but also like... setting boundaries and being strict and stuff. We'll figure that out, too.“

„We can do the whole good cop/bad cop thing,“ Dan said, adding „I'm sure I already know which part is gonna be mine“ a little more quiet as if more to himself than to Phil.

„Daniel James Howell, since when are you a person who likes to be put into boxes?“ Phil gasped in fake dismay. „Well switch, of course. Like every week or so.“

A wide smirk appeared on Dan's face at that and Phil suddenly realized how what he'd just said sounded out of context.

„Well...“ Dan simply said, while putting his hand on Phil's thigh. „We're nothing if not versatile, right, my love?“ Phil barely had time to blush, as Dan pulled the car into the entrance of the parking lot of the hospital.

 

 


	12. 58. You don't have to say anything

** N ew text from: Phil <3 **

_ Be back in 5 xx _

 

Dan smiled at his phone before falling into a slight panic, checking his fringe in the oven door, draining the vegetables that were steaming in their respective pots on the stove , putting on the playlist he created for this evening. He barely managed to set everything up in the way he wanted to before he heard the front door unlock.

Phil had been over at a friend's house (yes, contrary to popular belief he did actually have friends apart from his flatmate/boyfriend).   
Things between them had been tough these last couple of weeks. Ever since a certain video that was meant to be seen by Dan's eyes only started spreading across the internet like wildfire, things were tense. They were arguing a lot, more than they ever had, maybe even _fighting_ for the first time since they've been together. Hurtful things were said, doors were slammed, tears were spilled and talks about where to go from here were held. And while Dan and Phil decided to not let all of this end their relationship, it had definitely threatened it.   
There were still times where Phil wondered if it would have been easier to just spilt up then, especially since Dan wasn't even comfortable with his sexuality, not on the internet at least, let alone their relationship. But they were in love, and that was all that mattered. At least that's what he hoped. So even though things were starting to look up for them now, things were still... tense at home. Both Phil and Dan had gone out to see friends by themselves more, which was fine, of course, but just different from the way they usually were. 

Which was why tonight was so important to Dan.

Dan finally wanted things to go back to normal. He wanted  _ his Phil  _ back, wanted the happiness and carefreeness to return to their relationship. So while Phil was out with PJ, Dan had created the perfect date for them. 

 

“What the...” he heard Phil from the hallway and smiled, Phil had obviously found the trail of rose petals on the ground, leading into the kitchen. Sure enough, the older man appeared in the frame of their kitchen door within seconds, mouth agape at the scene in front of him. Dan had set the table, candles lit while soft music was playing in the background. The chicken in the oven already smelled delicious, potatoes and green beans were steaming on the table where a bottle of red wine was settled next to two big glasses. “Dan! You shouldn't h...” Phil tried to say, but Dan shut him up by pressing their lips together. “You don't need to say anything, okay? Just enjoy.” Dan helped Phil out of his coat, which he was still wearing and headed to hang it up on their coat rack. When he came back into the kitchen, Phil was still standing in the middle of it, appearing a little overwhelmed. Dan wrapped his arms around him from behind and placed a gentle kiss on Phil's neck. “Why don't you sit down?” Phil moved to the table, where Dan swiftly pulled out his chair for him. Once Phil sat down, Dan put on the oven mitts and got the chicken out of the oven. He was actually very proud of himself for the way this turned out and made a mental note to thank his mum later for the recipe and answering all his stupid questions on the phone earlier.   
“Do you need help with anything?” Phil asked behind him. “No, I'm done now anyway.” Dan took Phil's plate and put some of the chicken on it. Phil uncorked their wine bottle while Dan was filling up his own plate and poured them each a glass. A quiet _pling_ was heard as their glasses touched. “To us” Dan said, aware of how cheesy it was, but unable to stop himself. Phil smiled at him warmly. “To us” he repeated. 

Their meal felt almost festive, as if they were celebrating Christmas  very  early this year; maybe it was because of all the candles. “It's delicious” Phil expressed, actually closing his eyes to taste even more of it once all the visual input was left out, focussing in detail on all the different ingredients and spices coating his tounge. “You must've spent hours on this” he admired. He saw a little blush creep up to Dan's cheeks. “Yeah, I did. I told PJ that I can't have you home before seven tonight and I was literally just finishing up as you opened the door.” Phil was lost for words. This was perfect.

They finished up their meal, leaving the washing up for Future-Dan and Future-Phil to worry about as they settled down onto the sofa. Dan switched on the TV and Phil saw the DVD menu of 'Love Actually' across the screen. “Dan!” was the only thing he managed to exclaim. “I know, I know... It's technically a Christmas film and it isn't Christmas, but I know it's one of your favourite movies and it's about love, so I think it's appropriate for tonight.” Dan lifted his arm and Phil nuzzled into his side as the film opened with a sequence at Heathrow Airport. He felt Dan bury his nose inside of Phil's hair, placing a kiss on top of his head and Phil hummed appreciatively, leaning impossible closer into Dan. 

 

“Hey Dan” Phil said, looking up at the younger man when the end screen popped up. “Mhm” was Dan's only response. “About tonight...” Phil wasn't sure how to finish that sentence. “You don't have to say anything, Phil, really.” Dan said, sitting up and looking directly into Phil's eyes. 

“I want to, though” Phil continued nonetheless. “I just want to say thank you. Thank you for tonight and thank you for everything. And I love you.” Dan smiled. “I love you, too” he replied, pulling Phil in for a long, deep kiss. It was full of love, no lust behind it. Just a true sentiment of emotions. Of course, one night didn't resolve all of the issues they still had, but – Phil thought – it was a pretty good place to start. 

 


	13. 38. I like your laugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written a while back (actually the first prompt I wrote for this series) and it's very short and not very good. Who knows why I'm posting it anyway.  
> Also, we're almost at 100 kudos -yay! Thank you for reading and please keep leaving kudos and comments, I really do appreciate them a lot!  
> <3

Dan was sure that he had never felt this nervous in his entire life. After endless written conversations with Phil he had finally taken up all the courage he could find in himself and typed out a message on skype he'd been meaning to send for quite some time.

 

_Danisnotonfire: Wanna go on video? :3_

 

He was also more than certain that his heart had never beaten this fast before. It had been two minutes without a reply from Phil. He couldn't stop the thoughts running through his head. What if the person he had assumed was AmazingPhil was actually a scam? Or worse: what if Phil just didn't want to see him? Maybe he was happy with just writing him? Maybe he didn't feel the longing that Dan felt...?

 

***

Meanwhile, a couple of hundred kilometres further north, Phil was running through his room, stubbing his toe on his bed, then on his chair, and then again on his bed. Jumping up and down on one leg while holding his other foot and cussing like an old sailor (he sure hoped his mum couldn't hear him), he picked up the checked shirt from his floor and ran his hands through his hair trying to make his mop of a hair look decent.

 

***

When Dan finally heard the “ping” from his computer, he took a couple of seconds to build up the courage to look.

 

_AmazingPhil: Like right now? I'd love to :3_

 

Dan smiled from one ear to the other as he inhaled deeply, quickly glancing at himself in the mirror, sitting up straight and using all the courage he took from Phil's last sentence to click the little icon on his monitor to start a video call. It took forever, but when he finally saw the boy he'd seen on YouTube appear on his screen, a wave of relief flooded through Dan. “Well... Hi” he said and Phil started smiling about as widely as Dan could feel himself smiling. He had to be careful, he just might have pulled a muscle in his cheek at that exact moment. “It's so good to finally see you” Phil said, “Well, at least sort of. In about 10 pixels.”

All of Dan's worries – that Phil didn't want to actually talk to him, that things would be weird, that they wouldn't have anything to talk about – were wiped out almost immediately and before he knew it, their call duration showed “85:33”. Who would have thought they still had so much to talk about.

“I really think I should go”, Phil said, seemingly just as sad saying those words as Dan was to hear them. “I don't want to, but I need to get up super early tomorrow, I should have slept hours ago.” - “Sorry for keeping you up” Dan said, immediately apologizing for wasting Phil's time. “Believe me, I really don't mind being kept up by you in a video chat.” Phil said.

“That sounded dirtier than I intended it to” he added, raising his eyebrows and looking from left to right as they both busted out laughing. When their laughter had died down, Phil once again said: “I really need to go. But I enjoyed skyping with you. Let's do that again soon, eh?” Dan could feel himself light up like a Christmas tree. “Yes, I'd like that. Goodnight and sweet dreams. And Phil?” he added, before Phil could hang up, “I like your laugh.” He ended the call quickly, not wanting to hear the response to his sudden outburst of bravery.

 


	14. 5. I'll walk you home

The y were out with friends for the first time in months. In between everything that was going on, in their lifes as well as the lifes of their friends, occasions like these were rare; where they could actually all come together to do something that wasn't work-related. It was like a much needed break from the day-to-day hassle of meetings, interviews, coming up with video ideas and putting together their second book. Now that at least the last part was done, it felt like coming up for air after a long dive in deep, dark, cloudy water and Phil was enjoying himself immensely. 

They were cracking jokes, having moved from the restaurant where they started the night to a little pub down the street, drinking beers and cocktails and telling each other amazingly embarrassing stories and funny anecdotes from their life. Louise had just told the story of Darcy's latest experiment with her mother's make-up and – absolutely unrelated – taught everyone how to get nail polish off a cat and Phil was almost in tears from laughter. He rested his hand on Dan's knee, out of habit, and felt the younger man tensing on the touch. Well, that was weird. It wasn't like they weren't out to their friends and since their table was secluded from the views of strangers, there didn't seem to be an obvious reason for Dan to feel uneasy about the simple display of affection.

“Are you alright?” Phil whispered so only Dan could hear. “Hm?” Dan replied, obviously snapping out of thoughts, looking at Phil. “I asked if you were okay?” Phil repeated, concern audible in his voice. “Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Totally fine, cats... nail polish...haha. I'm fine, everything is fine.” He cracked a less-than-convincing smile. “Say you're fine one more time and I might believe you” Phil tilted his head slightly, unsure of what to think of Dan's rather sudden change in mood. 

A little while ago, especially back at the restaurant, Dan had been alright, cracking jokes and laughing like everybody else. Thinking about it now, though, Dan had started getting more quiet since they entered the pub. “It's stupid, really. Don't mind me, just enjoy yourself. You've been looking forward to this forever and I don't want to ruin your mood.” - “We'll be right back” Phil said, excusing them, taking Dan by the hand and leading him out of the pub into the crisp air outside. “What are you doing, Phil? I said I'm fine.” Dan looked down at his shoes as if, all of the sudden, something really interesting was engraved into them. “Yeah, you might as well have said you are part robot, as that's about as true.” Phil stroked Dan's arm gently. “Can you tell me what's going on?” 

Dan caved in (both figuratively and literally, as he somehow seemed to hang his head even lower). “I can't tell you. I don't know what's wrong I'm just... anxious. And it's stupid because it's literally only our friends in a stupid pub, but... I just wanna go home. Which is ridiculous, because I also really wanna hang out with all of them, but I just keep getting more and more tense the longer I'm in there.” Dan let out a rather lound and long sigh, seeming relieved to let some of his tention out by venting to Phil. “I don't wanna ruin your mood though, so I'll probably just go home” he added. Phil nodded. “Okay, let's just grab our stuff and say goodbye and then we'll leave, okay? Or do you want to wait here? I can grab our stuff and meet you out here if you don't want to go back ?” Dan shook his head no at the last part. So Phil took Dan by the hand once more, heading towards the door, but Dan wasn't moving. “No, Phil, you stay here. This is not just my night, it's yours as well. You were so excited about this, it's enough that I ruined this night for myself, no need to spoil your fun in the process.” Phil shook his head in disbelief... As if he would let Dan go home by himself right now. “Don't be ridiculous, we'll go home together. No way I'd let you alone in this state of mind.”   
Dan didn't want to cause a scene, but he also really  _ really _ didn't want to be a burden on Phil. “Believe me, Phil, it's fine. I actually want you to stay, I need some time alone.” Phil knew that it wasn't true, but didn't want to argue in front of all those people outside, smoking. And he didn't want to make their friends wait any longer. “Fine. I'll walk you home and then come back.” Dan rolled his eyes. “I am perfectly capable of walking by myself.” He really didn't want to be causing any trouble for Phil, just because his stupid brain was giving him an anxiety attack in the middle of a pleasant evening. Phil insisted, though: “No way you'll walk home by yourself. You know how many weirdos live in London?” Dan smiled weakly. “About two?” He pointed at both of them and Phil playfully nudged him in the side with his elbow. 

They went inside quickly, grabbing their stuff and apologizing for leaving so early. Dan was rather uncomfortable, as he didn't want to admit to his anxiety in front of everybody, but Phil, being the angel he is, quickly made up an excuse about how he must've eaten something wrong earlier and how his tummy was feeling a little weird and that he didn't want to be alone incase it was something serious. Since Phil was a known hypochondriac, nobody really questioned their excuse. It wasn't until later that Dan realized that excuse was making it rather clear that Phil wasn't going to come back. 

 

Dan tried to get Phil to leave him when they reached the front door, but Phil insisted on taking him inside.   
He tried to get him to leave once they made it upstairs to their flat, but Phil insisted he needed to pee anyway and swiftly moved around him to get inside.   
Dan was already changed into his pyjamas when Phil appeared in his room, carrying a pot of hot chocolate that he handed over to Dan. “Thanks” Dan said and moved over just a little bit when Phil signed him to do so. “Phil, you should get back!” he tried to protest, but Phil used the little space given to him to get into bed next to him. Dan sighed, giving up his defences.   
“Did you ever intend on going back?” he asked, snuggling up against Phil, careful not to spill any of the hot chocolate onto their bedsheets. “Daniel James Howell.” Phil put one hand under Dan's chin so Dan was forced to look him in the eyes. “I don't know when you'll finally realize this, but I am not leaving you. Not now and not ever. Whereever you go, I go. In the pub or in life, it doesn't matter. We're a team.” Dan smiled, a warm, fuzzy feeling spreading in his tummy. “Jesus, that got deep, Phil.”

“You didn't have to leave for me, though. I feel bad for making you leave” he added. Phil took the hot chocolate from Dan's hands, a cheeky smirk spreading on his face. In a low, very quiet voice he whispered in Dan's ear. “Well, then you better make it worth my while...”. Phil was joking, of course, but Dan was more than happy to comply nonetheless, deeming it a perfect opportunity to clear his mind. 

 


	15. 46. You can go first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what this is... I guess it's my attempt at being funny (spoiler alert: I'm not). 
> 
> Also: Chapter 15, yay. This seems like a milestone somehow, yet there is just soooo many more prompts to fill. I am determined to finish this, however I feel like we'll be here for a while. So I hope you'll just relax and enjoy this ride with me, I don't have any idea where it's going either.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy. Please leave comments, kudos, feedback of any kind! It's greatly appreciated and gives me a dangerous amount of validation! :)

“I swear to God, Dan, this was one of your worst ideas yet. And that says a lot” Phil managed to say in between his panting, hands on his thighs and slightly bent over, his back heavily moving up and down as he tried to catch his breath. “I didn't know...” Dan couldn't even finish his sentence properly, as he was in a similar state as Phil. “You know I'm supposed... to exercise... and I thought... this would... be... a good thing... to do... together.” He had finally managed to put the key in his trembling fingers into the lock of their door, pushing it open. As soon as they managed to take their jackets off, Phil basically collapsed on the floor in their hallway. “You thought _Hot Power Yoga for Couples_ would be a good idea?!?!” Dan's cheeks got impossibly redder, this time from embarrassment, not exhaustion. “How in the world was I supposed to know that it would be excruciatingly hard yoga poses in a 45 degrees steam room?”

“That's literally what it says in the title of the course, Dan!!!! HOT. POWER. Couples Yoga. What did you think it was? A relaxed yoga class for sexy power-couples?” 

Dan didn't really want to admit that that was exactly what he had thought. He remembered being a little weirded out by the phrasing “hot”, but shrugged it off as being a marketing trick. Maybe he should have taken the time to research a little bit. Or at least read the course description. Dan snapped out of his thoughts upon hearing the distinctive laughter of Phil next to him. 

“What?” Dan asked, slightly annoyed. 

“You literally thought that?” Phil had trouble getting the words out, no longer because of his exhaustion, but because of the giggle fit he'd managed to get himself into. “I can't believe you sometimes...” Tears were now streaming down Phil's face, who was still laying on their floor, shaking with laughter, his tongue poking out between his teeth. 

“Actually shut up!” Dan tried to sound annoyed as he gently slapped Phil's arm, yet he couldn't help but join in. Phil's laugh was just so damn contagious. And maybe – just maybe – the situation was kinda funny. So funny that, if things were different, he'd probably film a video about it. Things weren't different, though, so Dan just laid down next to Phil, giggling with him until they both calmed down a little bit. 

“If anyone could see us right now, they'd think we're insane. I mean, look at us, sweaty and disgusting, laughing uncontrollably while laying on the ground in our hallway...” Dan said, brushing a strain of hair back into Phil's fringe that had somehow managed to spike up like an antenna. “Hot” was all Phil said with a smirk before pressing a gentle kiss on Dan's lips. “Nonetheless” he added “we should probably both take a shower before doing anything. I don't even know which moisture on me is steam and which moisture is sweat. You can go first, I don't mind.” 

Dan withdrew his arm, that had somehow ended up on Phil's shoulder. “Ew, that is such a disgusting image. I wouldn't want to keep you in an uncomfortable state between steamy and sweaty moistness a second more than absolutely necessary. So you go ahead. It's my fault we're in this situation anyway.” Phil smiled before pressing another gentle kiss on Dan's lips. “I'm serious, you can go first!” Dan got up, moaning a little bit. He was sure he could feel every single one of his muscles by morning from that workout. 

“See, why don't we just take a shower together then? I mean, we'd both be clean faster and saving the environment in the process.” He stretched out a hand, which Phil took immediately, helping the older man get up. “That, my love, is an idea way better than sexy yoga.” He pressed a kiss to Dan's nose before leading his boyfriend to the bathroom. Maybe he was going to get another steamy workout today...

 


	16. 6. Have a good day at work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 2014 and Phil is in Florida with his family, so Dan has to do the radio show by himself

“Hey Phil, is this a bad time?” 

“Never a bad time with you, Mr. Howell” He thought he could make out Phil's smile on his phone screen, but there was no way of actually being sure as his boyfriend's face was currently broken up into approximately seven pixels.   
“How has your day been so far?” Phil asked, adding: “Are you okay? Is there a reason you called?” when he didn't get an answer immediately. 

“Yeah, my day has been okay I guess. I'm off to the BBC in like half an hour, so...” He trailed off, never finishing that sentence. Instead, he started a new one: “It's just not going to be the same without you.”

“Aw, you're sweet, Dan. I'll be back next week, no one's even going to notice I'm gone.” Dan couldn't help but laugh at that ridiculous remark. “Of course they're going to notice. _I'm_ going to notice! Can I... Do you mind if I call you during it?” he asked shyly, mumbling the last part of the question in an attempt to make the question less embarrassing for himself.

“During a live radio show? Now why would you do that?” 

This time, Dan didn't need to see his face – Phil's voice gave an obivous, shit-eating grin away by itself. 

“Because I...” No, Dan thought. He wouldn't give Phil the satisfaction of knowing how much he missed him just yet. (Phil knew, anyway, but it was worth a try). “I... I mean, because _everybody_ _listening_ is probably missing you and it would be a shame to keep your lovely voice from them for a whole week.” _Well, that wasn't exactly subtle, was it?_ Phil's “I'm on vacation, Daniel. I took a week off from work” sounded overly dramatic, presumably just to mess with Dan.   
Fine then, Dan thought, he'd get the desperate version of the plea. Dan put on his best whiny voice and added a pout, just to be sure. “Pleeeeease Phil, can I just... You know how awkward I am by myself and it would really help to know that you're there. Even if it's only in spirit.”

That seemed to do the trick; Phil's voice was soft now. “Alright. Call me whenever you'd like, I'll be waiting for your call by the pool. I can tell them the story about the squirrel.” Dan chuckled at the remark, remembering the story Phil had told him just yesterday. 

“Are you sure you wanna embarrass yourself in front of thousands of listeners like that?” Phil's answer was immediate: “If it makes you feel better, sure.” 

Dan glanced at the clock hanging over their living room door. “I need to leave soon.” He didn't want to end their FaceTime call, but knowing he would get to talk to Phil again in just a few hours made him feel a whole lot better. 

“Okay. I know you're going to do just fine by yourself. And when I tell that squirrel story you'll better be laughing as if it's the first time you hear it” Phil demanded. 

“Oh don't you worry, I will. We'll be laughing at it randomly in ten years time remembering how you got your first rabies infection.” As much as it was meant as an insult, Dan couldn't help but notice the hopefulness the statement contained. _In ten years, they'd still be laughing together._

“Oh bugoff... And what do you mean, my first  rabies infection?” Dan deemed it best, not to reply to that.

“Have a good day at work today” Phil added when he didn't get an answer.

“That sounds so weird” Dan replied, truthfully. They'd become such a good team, privately, but also professionally, that the thought of them doing seperate things felt odd. 

“It does. Who thought I'd ever get to say that?” Dan's heart felt warm at that remark. 

“Naaawwww... Because you just assumed we'd be spending all of our time together, forever, even at work?” It was exactly what he was thinking, but he would love to hear Phil say it. However, Phil's answer was just a _little_ less romantic. 

“No, because that implies you'd actually work.” 

Dan let out a dramatic gasp at that and threw one of his hands over his heart, as if Phil had hit him there, although he wasn't quite sure if Phil could see, due to the terrible connection. “You bitch” he said with all the dismay he could muster.

“You love me” Phil replied, his voice certain and his tongue poking out between his teeth.

“I do, you spork. I'll talk to you later.” 

 


	17. 40. I made this for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil visit Phil's parents for Kath's birthday. CAKE!

When Phil called his mum to tell her that he'd actually be able to make it up north for her birthday this year, she didn't even bother asking if Dan would be joining him. She'd stopped asking that question quite a while ago, assuming that – unless specifically told otherwise – inviting Phil also meant inviting Dan.

Ever since Dan's first trip to Rawtenstall all those years ago, the Lesters' family home had felt like a safe space for him. The fact that both Kath and Nigel were so overwhelmingly accepting of their son's new friend, without inquiring the intricacies of their relationship or asking questions Dan couldn't provide an answer to, gave him a place to finally be himself. Until moving in with Phil, he had found it to be the only place he could be true to who he was. He was forever grateful for the time he'd spent in that peaceful house on a quiet road in Rawtenstall. And even though Phil's parents had moved out of that house a while ago, they took all the memories, nostalgia and comfort attached to it with them, making their new place just as wonderful to Dan. 

“I'm not sure if you've made enough cakes, mum.” Phil said, looking at the two full tupperware boxes infront of them and chuckling quietly. He got his phone out, making a boomerang to post to his instagram story later. 

“Are you done taking pictures, love?” his mum asked, looking at his phone accusingly.

“Sorry” he replied, hastily shoving his phone back into his pocket. He may be well into his thirties, but his mum's 'no-phone-at-the-table'-rule still applied whenever they were visiting and he wasn't going to argue with her now.

“It's alright, love. I just have a little surprise that I'm not sure you or Dan would want on camera.” With those mysterious words, Kath made her way back to the kitchen, leaving Dan, Nigel and Phil behind. When she came back, she held a little cake in her hands, bigger than a cupcake, but still not big enough to feed more than one person.

“You seriously made another one, mum? Did I miss something? Are Martyn and Cornelia coming, too?” He was kidding, of course. He knew his brother didn't get back to England until the day after tomorrow.

“This isn't for you, young man.” Kath said to Phil while placing the tiny cake infront of Dan, who looked up at her in confusion. 

“Kath... What... You shouldn't have.” Dan wasn't really sure what to say, letting his gaze wander between her and the cake infront of him, decorated with hundreds of little rainbow sprinkles. 

“Of course I should have, love. I made this for you, to show you how incredibly proud we are of you. This is a big achivement.” Kath rubbed his shoulder, comforting him in a way only a mother could. 

“I actually teared up a bit watching your video, son.” Nigel added and Dan couldn't help but feel moderately to severly mortified at the thought of his in-laws hearing him proclaim he liked dick to the world. Phil's voice made him snap out of it, though.

“I was hoping you'd get him a cake. I remember my cake.” Phil smiled fondly at the memory of coming home from uni one weekend, finding his parents and Martyn in the kitchen, all wearing rainbow-coloured party hats and his mum presenting him with a cake reading “PROUD of you”. It was one of his most treasured memories of his family and one of the reasons he decided to get Dan a rainbow cake for his birthday/coming out this year.

“Oooooh, I remember your cake, too.” Kathryn added. “I also remember Martyn telling me I'm being way too over the top with this and you wouldn't want all the fuss. But I know my son. I know he likes cake.” She looked over at Dan again. “They all do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am aware that this technically isn't an "I love you" between D&P, but I hope you can forgive me, because I am a sucker for the Dan & Kath-dynamic and felt like the Queen of the Lester household was worthy of an exception ;) 
> 
> Also, I'm sorry this update took so long, my laptop broke and of course, I didnt have these drafts saved anywhere, so yay me. I'll try to get updates out again more frequently, but please be patient with me. 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, I appreciate you a lot :*


	18. 57. There's enough room for both of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set @VidCon 2014-ish, because 'remember the good ol' Youtube-days?' (I don't, I wasn't there for it)

This was probably the most party-like thing they had been to all year, Dan thought while sitting comfortably in the arm chair of a hotel room he didn't know the resident of. It may have been Zoe and Alfie's. Or Joe's. Or Tyler's, for that matter. 

Although Dan wasn't the most social person out there (who was he kidding, he was probably the  _ least  _ social person out there), he found himself more or less comfortable around his YouTube friends for the most part. The fact that they all shared the same busy life, experiencing the same things and facing similar challenges connected them and made events like this VidCon enjoyable for him. It probably helped that most people – including Dan – were slightly intoxicated at this point. 

That was, in fact, the reason Dan had sat down in this amazing, yellow arm chair in the first place. When Phil left to go to the bathroom, the room had started spinning a little bit, so Dan deemed it best to sit down for a few minutes. 

The sofa next to his chair was packed to the brim, Zoe had taken up the spot on Alfie's lap, Joe and Louise squeezed next to them while Caspar was sitting on the arm rest. He was engaging in a conversation with Alfie about a collab idea when Dan spotted Phil, looking across the room aimlessly. 

He was so cute, Dan thought, looking like a lost puppy in a crowded space. Dan waved at him and Phil's face brightened up when he caught the motion, taking a few long steps to join them. Even though events like this one were fun, they always liked to keep each other close for comfort. Usually, Phil was the more outgoing part of the duo, making sure Dan was comfortable while conversing for the both of them. But Phil had sort of been in a mood today and needed Dan to support him. He didn't mind, of course, aware of all the other times before where Phil had taken the lead in conversations. 

Phil was still standing awkwardly next to the arm chair, so Dan patted his lap silently offering Phil to sit down in his lap. Dan could practically hear Phil's thoughts. 

_I can't sit on your lap, people are filming_.  He made a point of looking directly at Joe, who was pointing a camera at himself while recalling the events of the day for his viewers. 

Dan made sure Phil's eyes followed his as he looked around the to room to Tyler, who was heavily grinding up on a young man Dan didn't know, letting his gaze wander towards a dimly lit corner of the room, where Troye and Connor were heavily making out against the wall.  _It's gonna be fine, I promise. They'll have to check the footage anyway_. Dan wasn't exaggerating when he'd said you couldn't vlog at parties because there would always be some youtuber making out in the corner. The few that did still vlog at events like this knew how to carefully edit around those parts, checking the background and vlogging from the best angle possible in the first place. 

Phil still seemed unsure, so Dan decided to do what he does best and just put his arm around Phil, pulling him into his lap in one swift move. 

“See, I told you there is enough room for both of us.” Dan whispered into Phil's ear. “I'll check with everybody who is vlogging tonight to make sure we're not in the background. I'll even get them to send me the footage and I'll look through it if you want me to.” he added, which made Phil relax visibly. 

“Fine” he retorted. Dan sighed a little bit at the prospect of having to look through five peoples vlogs in the next couple of days, but he knew they would understand. Most of them had been in their shoes before. He tightened his grip around Phil as the older boy leaned back against his chest fully. “See, now isn't that much nicer?” Dan said, a slight hint of 'I told you so' in his voice. Phil didn't reply, but instead wiggled his bum the slightest bit against the yonger man's crotch, wiping the smug look right off of Dan's face. 

“You're right” he added “there IS enough room for both of us.” 

 

***

 

It was the same event, a different hotel room, a slightly different group of people around them and the big armchair had turned into the tiniest spot on an already crowded couch when Dan all of the sudden remembered the conversation him and Phil had had a few years prior. 

“Hey Phil” Dan said to the boy draped across his lap. “Remember that time when you didn't want to sit in my lap because you were scared that someone would catch it in the back of their vlog?” 

Phil giggled at the distant memory, his tounge poking out ever so slightly between his teeth. “Yeah, the good old times” he replied, taking Joe's vlogging camera out of the surprised man's hands.

“Those were the times where I couldn't to this.” He placed a kiss on Dan's cheek. “Or this” he added as he placed a kiss directly on Dan's mouth. “Or this” he whispered into Dan's ear, making the younger man tense up immediately, only to let out a disgusted and whiny “PHIIIIIIIL!” as the mentioned licked a long strip across his cheek.

“You two are actually disgusting. And FYI, I am leaving all of that in.” Joe said, reclaiming his camera. 

“Oh, don't be grumpy Joe, you'll find love eventually.” Phil replied, smiling at Dan, who was intensely rubbing his cheek in an attempt to dry it before swiftly moving on to tickling Phil mercilessly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with the way this is written, so I'll probably come back to edit this at some point in the future. But for now, it is what it is (Insert: "Made it, had a breakdown, bon appetit" here).
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos, comments and critisism, I really appreciate it a whole lot :)
> 
> Also, if you have any ideas/wishes for the remaining 82 (Holy SHIT what have I gotten myself into?!) prompts, please feel free to let me know. I have a general idea for some of them, while others are still completely blank. So, if there is anything you'd enjoy in particular or a general concept you'd like to see, I'd love to (try to) write it.
> 
> I think I'm done for now, so have a good day or sleep well, depending on when you're reading this :*


	19. 22. It's not that heavy. I'm stronger than I look.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 2012 and Phil comes out of a closet. Aka "The Wardrobe" - the Part(s) nobody saw.

“I swear to God, Phil, this is the last piece of furniture I am moving up this staircase. Not just today. Ever.” Dan was currently panting, his hands pressed into his sides, while he and Phil were taking a rest between two flights of stairs. Phil was also very sweaty, although not quite as out of breath as Dan.

“Remind me to look for a furnished apartment the next time we move” he said, looking at the brown cardboard of the flatpack-furniture infront of him.

“What do you mean, next time we move? We literally just moved in here and you're already planning to move out again?” It was a joke, of course. They'd spent quite some time looking for an apartment in London, so now they finally had one, it didn't look as if they would move again. Although, Dan thought, looking up the few steps they still had to get up, the stairs would probably turn out to be a pain in the ass very soon.

“Do you want to go upstairs? I can carry this by myself.” Phil seemed serious and Dan didn't doubt his ambition, but he couldn't stop an amused huff from escaping him.

“You really think you could carry this huge-ass wardrobe up there by yourself?”

Phil puffed his chest at that, bending his elbows and showing off his biceps in a very cute, but hardly convincing way . “What do you mean? It's not heavy. I'm stronger than I look.”

“Of course you are, doofus. And now grab your end of the package, there's no way of finishing this tonight if we take hours to get it up the stairs.”

 

***

In hindsight, they should have just built the wardrobe the next day. It was quite the task, focussing on the task and hand and simultaneously trying to keep up the banter for YouTube, as Phil had ingeniously decided to film their attempt at craftsmanship. They had finally done it, though, and Phil wanted to attempt lightening the mood. So, snickering to himself, he got into the wardrobe and closed the door.

“ Phil?”

“PHIL?”

“PHIIIIIL?”

Dan’s voice got increasingly louder and more worried, and Phil decided it was finally time for his grande scare. Dan’s reaction however was… Rather mild.

***

 

“Hey Dan?” Phil, still seated in the wardrobe, giggled at his thought already. “What if I actually ca me out to my viewers like this? I just sit in the closet, open the door and yell 'I'm gay'?”

Dan grew silent at that. He knew that Phil’s remark was intended as a joke. However, h e also knew that the main reason Phil wasn't open about his sexuality online (at least not any more. .. back when Phil had no idea who Dan was , he didn't hide it all that much), was that they were scared of what it would lead to. Phil coming out as gay meant that there were going to be speculations about Dan's sexuality as well. Speculations about them being in a relationship. They weren't ready for that. More specifically: Dan wasn't ready for that.

Phil was fine with his sexuality, he had accepted it and moved on with his life, but Dan... Dan wasn't fine. He wasn't fine with any of this. He didn't want to be the thing he had spent most of his life being bullied for.

It was insane, Dan thought, he was a mere six years old when he first heard the word “gay”. Back then, he didn't even know what the word meant. Years later, when he learned what the word actually meant, it was associated with so many bad things: bullying, seemingly never-ending physical and mental abuse by his peers, the terrible things he'd heard when going to church with his grandma, his own ego of not wanting to be that thing everybody kept calling him... Being gay just wasn't an option for Dan. Besides: He couldn't be gay. He'd been with girls, he had fancied girls in the past. All of this was a mess. A big fucking mess. And it wasn't fair to Phil. Phil was hiding who he truly was just to make things easier for Dan.

“Hey” Phil's soft voice finally reached his ears at the same time that the older boys hand reached his arm. “Hey, Dan. Are you with me?” Dan realized tears were streaming down his face. He fell into Phil's arms, which were there to catch him. Catch him, like they always did. He was full-on sobbing now, soaking Phil's shirt in his tears, shaking in his arms. Phil was rubbing soothing circles on his back, making quiet “shhh” sounds in his ears.

“I'm sorry I upset you, Dan. It was meant to be a joke. I'm not planning on coming out. You don't need to worry, okay? You're safe. You're safe with me. You'll always be safe with me.” Dan was so surprised that he actually stopped crying for a bit.

“You think that's what I'm worried about? You coming out before te lling me first ?” The concept seemed entirely foreign to Dan. Even though he didn’t deserve it, he knew Phil would never do anything that had the potential of hurting Dan.

“Well, what is it, then?” Now it was Phil's turn to be surprised.

“I just... I just... feel really bad. I don't want you to have to carry this big heavy secret with you, just because I can't seem to get my shit together.” Phil smiled a sad smile at that.

“Did you not hear me earlier, Dannyboy? I'm stronger than I look. And, it's not that heavy a secret.” Dan huffed at that. It was probably the biggest secret he had, hearing Phil describe it as 'not that heavy' seemed ridiculous to him.

“In all seriousness, Dan. I have all the time in the world. My family knows I'm gay. My friends know I'm gay. It's just that I don't share this part of me online. But I don't need to, what difference does it make if I'm gay, straight, or something in-between when talking about funny stories and my life? I know who I am and the people closest to me know. In the end, that's all that really matters.” Dan looked at Phil, in awe of the man sitting before him.

“You are actually amazing, Phil. You know that?”

“Well yeah, I mean... Have you seen my Youtube-Channel?” Dan appreciated Phil relieving some of the tension in the room with his wonderful humour.

“I wish I could say that... the whole 'I know who I am' deal.” That was one of the things Dan was most frightened by. Never finding a label to actually fit him, never finding a community he could feel a part of and appreciated within.

“You'll figure it out. And until then, the only label you need is 'best person in the world and love of my life'.” Phil stroked Dan’s arm gently, a reassuring smile curling his lips.

“Hey, guess we have the same label then” Dan replied weakly.

“I am the love of Phil's life? That seems horribly self-indulgent.”

“ You’re an i diot. Now, let's get clean up this mess and move the wardrobe to where it's actually supposed to go, yeah? Also, you probably have to cut the video off right after that jump scare, sorry about that. ”

“ No worries. Anything for you, Dan. Anything.” Dan heard the emphasis on the last word, not for the first time (and not for the last) wondering how he got so lucky . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever since Phil first posted his coming out video, this idea had kind of been in my head, however it didn't really want to make it's way out until now.  
> Also, in case you have missed it: The full list of prompts is in the notes of the first chapter, so check it out if you want to see what's still to come or if you have any input as to what exactly you'd want those prompts to be filled with ;)  
> Thank you for reading and for leaving comments and kudos, I appreciate it :* <3


	20. 32. It looks good on you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's July 5, 2019 and Dan is finally finishing up his most recent (and probably most important) art project.

“I can’t believe it” Dan said as he lifted the black fabric up with his hands for Phil to get a better view of it. “I’m finally done! And it only took 8 hours and” he stopped briefly to count the marks on his hands “about 5 plasters to do it .”

“Oh wow” Phil replied, pausing the episode of Queer Eye that he was very appropriately rewatching. “Let me see!”

Dan handed the light fabric over to Phil, a little worried about his clumsy boyfriend ruining his work within a few seconds. Phil however was very delicate, running his hands over the sequins with the same carefulness usually reserved for babies and small puppies.

“I am so impressed, Dan. You are going to be the most fabulous-looking person there. I mean, you were going to be anyway , but still… This is...”

Dan’s eyes lit up at the compliment. He really had put his heart and soul into this outfit. As with everything in life, once Dan actually put his mind to something, there was no way he would do it with anything less than 100% commitment. So when he decided that 2019 would be the first time he attended pride, he had spent hours trying to find the perfect outfit online. He couldn’t, which is why his hands were now significantly more bruised than they had been this morning and their living room floor was covered in multicoloured sequins.

“I think I’m gonna try it on. Be right back” Dan had a mischievous smile on his face as he left the room, dropping his shirt on the way out already.

“You could have just changed here, I really don’t mind seeing you in your underwear” Phil called after him.

 

“I wanted my very own wow-moment though ” Dan commented on Phil’s previous remark when he eventually re-entered the room a few minutes later, his left hand pressed to his hip as he turned their living room into his very own catwalk, strutting towards Phil and then coming to a stop right in front of him.

“Well, you wowed me alright, mate.” Phil said, mouth slightly agape, his hands almost involuntarily moving to stroke along Dan’s multicoloured torso . “It looks so good on you.”

Despite the compliment, Dan seemed to have lost a little bit of his confidence , his hands now nervously fiddling with the purple sequins at the bottom of his shirt.

“Are you sure? I mean...” his hands moved up to his slightly exposed chest, pulling slightly at the few little hairs that were scattered there. “Don’t you think this is showing too much skin? Maybe I should wear something underneath?”

“Dan, I’ve seen people wearing nothing but a rainbow-coloured cock sock to those events, I don’t think anybody would die from seeing a little bit of your chest.” Phil interjected.

“Still, I don’t wanna risk a nip slip.” Dan lifted his arms, shimmied with his shoulders as to see how much he could move around without having his nipples exposed.

“I don’t think that’s gonna happen, Dan.” Phil tried to comfort him. “And even if it does: You have the prettiest nipples I’ve ever seen.”

Phil patted the spot next to him on the couch, signalling Dan to sit down.

When he did, he let out a long breath that sounded vaguely like a huffed laugh.

“That might be the weirdest compliment you’ve ever given me. And I recall you saying my eyebrows looked like _fluffy caterpillars but in a good way_ in the first 72 hours of meeting me.” Dan put up his hands to draw quotation marks into the air and Phil smiled at the fond memory from almost 10 years ago.

He raised his hands and let his thumbs brush across those eyebrows, cupping Dan’s face with both his hands afterwards.

“Well, you do have the most amazing caterpillar-eyebrows, but I don’t mean just that. Happiness looks good on you. Being true to who you are. Pride. All these things you kept yourself from for so long, seeing you embrace them… That looks really, really good on you.” Still holding his face in his hands, Phil pressed a light kiss on Dan’s lips.

Dan shook his head slightly and retreated his head from where Phil was holding it.  
“You need to stop it! People told me to bring tissues to my first pride, but I don’t wanna start crying before I even get there. Can we manage that?” There was no harshness in his voice, but Phil retreated nonetheless.

“Of course” he replied. He remembered his first pride, all the way back in university. He remembered how for a brief moment, he felt like anything was possible. Equality. Acceptance. Normality. It was a glorious time and a big step in his own coming-out journey.

“I just wanted to tell you that. And that I love you” he added.

“I love you more.”

“I love you most. And now go change, the sequins are itchy on my skin and I wanna cuddle you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in a week? Who is this person suddenly uploading chapters when she actually finishes writing them instead of worrying about it for weeks and then posting it feeling 'meh' about it?! I don't know, but let's embrace her presence while she's here.
> 
> Thank you for reading, if you do enjoy, please feel free to leave a comment, those really brighten my day and keep me motivated to work on this humongous prompt-list. (Maybe work with prompt lists when you first start writing, they said. It'll be fun, they said.) But this fic actually marks 1/5 of the list done, which might not seem like a lot, but still.
> 
> I think I'm rambling again, so I shall put it to a stop now. Kudos are appreciated, comments are awesome, as are you, dear friend, reading this. Have a good day <3


	21. 14. Can I have this dance?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil get home from hosting the BRIT Awards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ballroom dancer in me wanted to make this way more "professional", but I guess nobody but me would like to read ~1000 words of detailed dance instructions, so please take this fluffy piece of sappiness instead :-)
> 
> Also, if you want to listen to "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran while reading this, I think it enhances the experience.  
> If not, at least watch the video of them actually dancing to it, cause otherwise this'll make less sense. Also it's v cute.
> 
> Thank you, enjoy, bb

There was no doubt that it had been a good night. They’ d been invited back to the BRIT Awards and stayed clear of any major fuck-ups during their livestream, which was impressive in its own way. They had fun, got to know a lot of interesting people that could potentially open up some doors into more traditional media, and their salary for one evening had been quite impressive, too.

Nonetheless, Dan couldn’t help feeling sad about one thing: He wanted to dance with Phil. Not in the jokey way they had done in the studio, but in an actually romantic way. Holding onto each other tightly and swaying gently to the music.

 

After having announced the music video, Phil had stretched out his hand to Dan, asking if he could have this dance. Dan was quick to reply that everyone could see them, and Phil let out a deep breath of disappointment, even though he knew it was silly.

“Just for a minute, can we pretend they’re not there?” he had asked. And that’s when Dan took his hand and they spun around for all of three seconds before dropping their hands back down.

 

He knew, looking over to see Phil chewing on his bottom lip while intensely staring straight ahead at nothing in particular, that he was thinking about the same thing.

Dan couldn’t stand seeing Phil sad, so he quietly pulled out his phone and connected it to the Bluetooth speaker in their living room. He opened Spotify and watched Phil as the first few notes hit their ears.

Getting up , Dan extend ed his right arm towards Phil. “Can I have this dance?”

Phil smiled at him, reaching for the hand and allowing himself to be pulled up. “Of course you can.”  
Phil was led towards the middle of their living room, where Dan deemed they’d have less of a chance of bumping into furniture, which would put a very sudden stop to this otherwise cu t e moment.

  
Even though Dan didn’t remember a whole lot from the dance lessons his then-girlfriend forced him to take with her at age 17, he was suddenly glad he at least recalled that his left hand was to lay on Phil’s shoulder blade. He also vaguely remembered something about their other hands being at the same level as her eyes , so he lifted Phil’s and his own intertwined hands up a little.

“Mr. Howell. I didn’t know you were a dancer. All these years you managed to hide it from me. Have you considered applying to _Strictly Come Dancing_ next year?” Phil asked, clearly impressed already by Dan’s ability to assume a dancing position. Dan simply rolled his eyes at him.

“This is supposed to be romantic, you turd. So listen to dear Ed here and shut your mouth.”

Phil laughed, a tongue poking out between his teeth. And since that was Dan’s very favourite _Phil laugh_ , he couldn’t help adding “Also, they don’t take anybody with experience. But I could always re-apply as a professional, I guess.”

Before Phil could reply to that, Dan finally moved his feet, very much in tune with the music.

 

If anybody could see them like this, Dan thought, they would be less than impressed. It was chaotic, Phil stepped on Dan’s foot more than once and the younger man was suddenly very glad to still be wearing his shoes. They giggled and when Dan attempted a Dip, they stumbled and almost fell over.

When they were done laughing, Phil simply pulled Dan close, wrapping his arms around Dan’s middle. Dan’s arms fell around Phil’s shoulders easily and they started swaying awkwardly with the music, pulling each other closer with every step .

“I see, we’re going for middle school dancing, then.” It wasn’t said in a harsh way. In fact, Dan loved the way he was holding on to Phil so tightly now, pressed together, chins resting on each other's shoulders.

“I never got to dance like this in middle school” Phil replied defensively. “At least not with someone I actually cared about.”

“Same” Dan said, before they fell into a comfortable silence. It was in those moments, Dan really appreciated having a boyfriend that was the same height as him. Inherent power structures that were usually associated with height and general build (because yay, stereotypes) were made obsolete. They both knew they could rely on the other in both a metaphorical and a physical sense.

 

Close to his ears, Dan heard Phil quietly sing along to the music.

_Maybe we found love right where we are_.

So what if they couldn’t dance together in the way they wanted to earlier. This, right here, was all they would ever need. The two of them. Together. In their shared home. Close and quiet and in love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There's so many updates in so little time..."
> 
> (Maybe there's one or two you should avoid)
> 
> Thank you for reading, as always. And thank you even more for leaving comments, I lovelovelovelove getting comments :-*


	22. 24. Just because

“Dan, Dan, Dan!” He woke up to what he assumed to be Phil jumping up and down on their bed. “Today is the best, most wonderfulest day ever!”

Dan tried to open his eyes, but immediately closed them again when hit with intense daylight coming in through the window.

“Wonderfulest isn't even a word, Phil”. He tried to escape Phil by putting the pillow over his head, but unfortunately for him, his boyfriend seemed rather unimpressed.

“I don't even care, because today it is. Do you want to know why, Dan? Wanna know why?”

Dan couldn’t help being reminded of Colin, back in his puppy years, whenever somebody would mention the word _walk_ . “I have this feeling you're about to tell me whether I care or not” he replied, trying to escape the jolly maniac that was now on top of him, one knee on each side of Dan's torso.

Phil pulled up a tweet on his phone. Admitting defeat, Dan opened his eyes ever so slightly. After they had adjusted to the brightly lit phone screen, Dan was able to make out the words in front of him, printed in black on the blue and white user interface he assumed to be twitter.

 

_“PSA: T’is the season! PSLs are back @starbucks! This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill!”_

 

”Are you actually serious, Phil? You woke me up in the middle of the night for a stupid Starbuck's drink?” Dan wasn’t sure if he was mad or amused. Probably a little bit of both.

Phil chuffed at him, his eyes rolling back so far, he could probably see his own insides if they went any further. “No, I woke you up at 10 a.m. - a completely reasonable time by the way – because the festive season is here and we are all here to witness it.”

“ I think your festive season is not the same as everybody else’s, Phil.” Dan tried to pull the blanket back over his head, but since Phil’s knees were still on it, there was no moving it.

“Fine, the festive, autumny, spooky season. Better?” Phil replied as Dan slid under his blanket, leaving only a few curls sticking out at the top.

“ It's just a fucking coffee, Phil, I swear to God... With that energy you should probably have less of that stuff anyway” came the muffled voice from underneath the duvet.

 

Phil got up, seeing that there was no way to get Dan excited for his favourite sugary drink right now. “Alright, Mister Grumpy Pants. I'm gonna go edit my video for tomorrow and afterwards, I'm getting myself a festive coffee as a treat. You better stop being grumpy by then, or I won't bring you back a cookie.” And with that, he left the room.

“You know Pumpkin Spice is basically just cinnamon, right?” Dan yelled through the door, but Phil was already on his way upstairs.

Dan sighed as Phil left the room. He knew the other man wasn't actually mad, but still, he felt a little bad for not sharing the excitement. He blamed it entirely on the fact that it was way too early to be excited about anything.

 

His conscience gnawed at him, so that’s how he found himself, roughly 90 minutes later, struggling to open the door to their apartment. He was trying to get the keys into the lock with one hand, while balancing a steaming cup and a bag of cookies in the other.

He finally managed to get inside, took his coat and shoes off before heading straight upstairs to their gaming room, where Phil usually went to edit. Sure enough, he found him sitting in front of their computer his forehead wrinkled in concentration.

“You're 'special festive drink is literally 98 % cinnamon and overpriced sorta-coffee, you know that, right?” he said as he entered the room, causing Phil to turn around.

“Why did you buy it then?” Phil asked, a huge grin appearing on his face when he saw the familiar logo on the cup in Dan’s hand.

_Because I knew you’d be incredibly happy about it and smile all day and I love your smile and also I love you_ , Dan thought.

“Just because” Dan said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back, bitches! I've been on holiday for almost two weeks, so I am now completely relaxed, ready to get back into uni soon.  
> Also, when I got back from vacation, it was suddenly fall and thus, this little drabble was born.  
> I hope you enjoy it, I'm excited to get back into writing!  
> As always, I appreciate you reading this and maybe letting me know how you feel about it. Thank you, have a good day/night, see you soon.


	23. 31. Don't worry about me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2014, Phil is with his family because they just got some terrible news. Dan tries to cheer him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Illness (cancer). I know health issues may be triggering to some people, so if you are affected by this, please think twice about reading this chapter as your health is way more important than this little fic ;)  
> Otherwise, enjoy this (as much as you can enjoy reading something about cancer, I guess), thank you for reading and sorry for keeping you waiting so long

Part of Phil is still in shock. When his mum called him a few days ago, telling him he needed to come home immediately, he instinctively knew why. His dad had been diagnosed with cancer. The big, scary “C”, printed in bold letters, was all that occupied his mind right now. Even before, when his dad first got sick and the doctors couldn’t figure out what it was right away, he had this terrible feeling in his gut. He hoped for it to be one of those intrusive thoughts that he would get whenever he or someone he loved had a minor cold. He couldn’t believe his father – _his dad_ – was sick with a horrible disease that may very well be fatal.

 

When Dan saw Phil randomly shoving things in a duffel bag, he immediately offered to go with him. Even though everything inside Phil screamed for Dan to join him, he knew he needed to make this journey alone. For now, at least. So Dan had held Phil in the middle of all the s cattered clothes and toiletries for a while. He didn’t let go of Phil until the older man had finally stopped sobbing, his eyes drying up because there were simply no tears left for him to cry. At least not right that moment.

 

He had cried plenty since then. He cried on the train Dan booked for him while he was busy packing. He cried when he got to his parents house and his mum opened the door with a stern look on her face. He cried when his parents sat him down and told him. He cried when his brother arrived, a few hours after him. Martyn held onto his younger brother, just like he had when Phil had gotten a scraped knee on the playground at age five or been rejected by a boy he fancied at age 13 . It seemed forever ago now, yet Phil felt just as small, curled up in his brother’s arms, leaving a wet patch on Martyn’s shirt.

 

Between caring for his dad, helping his mum around the house, keeping his relatives in the loop, and all the crying (from himself and others), Phil also made sure to call Dan a lot. It was the one sense of normality he wanted to keep for himself and he told Dan as much. He didn’t want to talk about his dad with him . He wanted him to make stupid jokes and talk about video ideas. He needed it. So when Dan dared to ask Phil how he was d ealing with everything during one of their many phone calls, something inside him snapped.

“I need you to stop. I need you to stop and I need everyone else to stop as well . Stop asking me how I’m dealing with all this in a voice that’s so full of pity” Phil yelled into his phone.

“Phil...” Dan started, clearly taken aback by the sudden change of tone.

“Shut up, I’m not done yet. Stop talking in that pity voice, because my dad is not dead. HE IS NOT DEAD. He’s not. Not. Not yet. Not fucking dead-” With that, Phil’s voice broke. He needed to catch his breath. He also really needed to punch something. Or someone. Who cares if they deserve it, cause that’s just life, isn’t it? It’s not fair.

“I wish I could be with you right now and hold you. And tell you it’s going to be alright” Dan offered from the other end of the line. Phil let out a shaky breath before replying.

“But that’s the thing, Dan. It’s not alright. _He’s_ not alright. And I’m not sure he’s going to be and I don’t know how to deal with that.” Phil ran a hand through his hair, making it stand up in all sorts of direction. He didn’t care.

“Have you talked to your dad about that?”

“I can’t talk to him about that. Mum says we need to keep our spirits high and keep smiling.”

Even though Kath had said that, Phil still caught her crying in the kitchen last night. When she noticed him, she just swept the tears away and smiled at him, offering to make him some tea. Phil thought she might be the strongest person he’d ever known.

“Don’t tell Kath I said that, but...” Dan paused for dramatic effect “that’s bullshit. You’re allowed to be worried. You’re allowed to be scared. And you’re allowed to talk about it. You need to. Believe me, I’m the perfect example of what happens when you _don’t_ talk about your feelings.”

Phil couldn’t help smiling at that. In the short few months that Dan had been going to therapy, he had gotten so much better at talking. To his therapist, to Phil and even to some of his close friends.

“You’re right. I’ll try to talk to him. For now, though, can we talk about something else?”

“ Of course we can. I’m just… worried about you, I guess.” Phil rolled his eyes at that, aware that Dan couldn’t see him doing so.

“Don’t worry about me, Howell, worry about your mum.” A classic “Your-mum”-joke was definitely not peak comedy for him, but considering his current state, he deemed it good enough.

“ Oi! I always worry about you. It’s like… part of my job description” Dan replied, his voice sounding more steady and sure now.

“Your job description?”

Dan gave an affirmative hum. “Yeah, as your boyfriend. It was like the second bullet point after ‘making sure his sexual needs are met.’” Phil couldn’t see his boyfriend, but he could pretty much feel the suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows in his voice.

“Wait, so you actually get paid for this?” Phil asked, trying to match Dan’s chipper tone.

“Of course, do you really think I’d put up with you for free?”

Phil gasped in mock outrage. “The least you could do is share some of that money with me.”

“Nah, I’m saving up to escape your grip eventually. I’m really bad with money though, so it might take me a few more years. ”  
“Fine. Be like that, b ut then I won’t feel bad about worrying you either! ” Phil tried to put as much pouting as possible into that sentence. Dan’s voice got serious again.

“You shouldn’t ever feel bad for that, Phil. I only do because you mean so much to me.”

Phil sighed. “Stop turning this flirty banter into meaningful conversations, you spoon. You’re ruining the mood. ”

“Your mum’s ruining the mood ”

“That’s better” 


	24. 70. You're warm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while... Soz about that... But with all this Japan content I just had to write up a little short something. I hope you enjoy <3

“How is it possible that we somehow managed to book the one hotel in all of Japan without air conditioning?” Dan groaned. He was frustrated. For the last 30 minutes or so, he had been tossing and turning, trying to find a position comfortable enough for him to fall asleep. He’d tried kicking off his blanket, but sleeping without it felt wrong, too. He felt hot and sticky and disgusting and just… UGH!

There was a specific reason t hey’d decided to book their trip to Japan for November. Well, m ore than one reason , actually, but the fact that the temperature and humidity was generally nicer this time of year was definitely one of them.

He felt Phil shuffle next to him, figuring that meant he was probably awake as well. When Dan switched on the lamp on his bedside table, it was Phil’s turn to groan.

“ What the hell are you doing?” Only Phil’s eyes and quiff were poking out from underneath his blanket, the rest of him comfortably settled beneath the covers. Of course.

“It’s hot in here and I’m wondering why exactly we booked a hotel without air conditioning” Dan repeated his earlier remark, still very much annoyed.

“It’s not even that warm in here…” Phil couldn’t even finish the sentence before he was cut off by Dan again.

“Are you serious? I think they’ve turned the heating on. There is no way that the two of us could heat this room up so much in the little time we’ve been here.”

Phil sighed as he finally sat up in bed. He knew he wouldn’t be getting any sleep until his boyfriend was comfortably settled underneath the sheets as well.

“Do you want to know what I think the actual problem is?” he said while scooting closer to Dan. “ The problem is that y ou can’t fall asleep without me cuddling you.” He said, wrapping his arm around his boyfriend’s chest.

Dan screeched, trying to get Phil off him with a sense of urgency that would suggest Phil was at least a hundred degrees.

“Get off me you leech, you’re warm!” he wiggled around, but that only made Phil hold on to him tighter. He was having none of it.

“I think what you meant to say was...” Phil’s face was suddenly directly infront of Dan’s “… I’m hot!” He wiggled his eyebrows in what was probably meant to be a suggestive way, but looked more like Phil was trying to get a very persistent bug off his forehead.

“You’re an idiot” Dan sighed, finally letting go of his defence and feeling Phil wrap around him like a koala.

“Yeah, but I’m YOUR idiot” he replied contently, wrapping his leg around Dan and nuzzling into the crease between his shoulder and head.

“Yes. Yes, you are indeed.” Dan wiggled the fingers of his left hand around a little bit, lifting it up so he could see the small, silver band stretching around his finger . “ Forever.”

The metal still felt weird on his finger, but it was a welcome feeling of strangeness.

“Forever. I made sure of that.”


	25. 91. I hope you like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it too late for a Christmas fic? Surely not... right? Right?!

It was Christmas morning and Dan and Phil were sitting in the living room of their new apartment, a hot chocolate in hand, calm Christmas music in the background and a fuzzy feeling of happiness in their hearts.  
“It was a good idea to get a real tree this year” Dan said, admiring the beautiful, ceiling-high tree that was filling the whole room with an amazing, piney scent. Dan had put up a successful argument for their fake tree every year so far, saying how much of a pain in the ass it is to clean up all the needles and arguing about the incredible fire hazard when Phil said he also wanted real candles instead of fairy lights. This year, though, Phil hadn’t even left room for an argument, simply coming home with this humongous monster of a tree and demanding Dan's help carrying it inside. He had told Dan about how he always had a real tree growing up and wanted to have one now that Dan and him had finally moved into a place of their own, no longer renting. And Dan, being the sappy little shit that he is, teared up and agreed to the tree, real candles and even a new set of 100 red baubles that were now hanging from the branches of the Christmas tree.  
“See, now I don’t want to say I told you so, but...”  
Dan could see the reflection of the lit candles in Phil's blue eyes. They sat there for a little while longer before Dan moved up close to Phil, who spread his legs immediately so Dan could lean up against his chest and pull a blanket over the two of them. Phil's chin was resting in Dan's curls and his arms were enveloping him while Dan's head was resting against his chest, his fingers tapping against Phil's arm in the rhythm of the older man's heartbeat. Dan was happy staying like this forever, wrapped up in the arms of the man he loved, Michael Buble's Christmas album playing in the background, the smell of pine, candles and happiness filling the air.  
He couldn't help but compare it to the Christmases he’d had as a child, playing in the corner with the two presents his parents had managed to get him and Adrian by saving up throughout the year and trying to ignore the argument that would always start eventually once the adults had had a drink or two. It wasn't that he hated Christmas as a child, he just never really loved it. It was an occasion once a year where he had to dress nicely and go to his grandma's house and was rewarded for it with a present.  
This, however, this was what Christmas was all about. Happiness, cosiness and the love of family. Phil was now his main family, he thought. That's just what happens when you grow up. Eventually, you grow out of the social support system that is your family to start a family of your own. And he was so glad to be doing it with Phil.  
“Whatcha thinking 'bout?” Phil asked softly.  
“Starting a family” Dan replied honestly and without thinking about it. It was the truth, after all. He turned around then, moving up a little bit so his face was right in front of Phil's.  
“And how there's no-one I'd rather do it with than you.” Phil smiled before giving him a short kiss on the lips. He didn't have to say anything in response, Dan knew he felt the same way.  
During these last years, there had been times where Dan wasn't so sure of it, his own thoughts and inner demons eating up his brain nightly, doubting Phil's love for him and his own worthiness of that love. Those days were long gone now, even though Dan still had days where he didn't understand why exactly Phil chose him. But Phil did, and he made sure to let Dan know that he would choose him again and again in an instant on every day in the past, present and future.  
“Do you wanna open presents now?” Phil asked after a few moments, excitement flickering in his eyes when he glared towards the stack of neatly wrapped presents for him under the tree (and some not so neatly wrapped ones for Dan as well).  
“Definitely!” Dan replied. They started out with a few small presents – useful (and not so useful) gadgets they ran into during the year and little trinkets picked up thinking of the other person. Once they had shared a few laughs and heartfelt “thank you”s over those, they moved on to the 'real' gifts. Every year, they found it harder and harder to get each other something for the occasion, mainly because most of the gifts had been gifted before and if one of them really wanted something, they were usually and very fortunately financially able to get it for themselves. This year, though, Dan was pretty happy with what he had gotten Phil.  
“Do you wanna open first?” Phil asked.  
“Have you met me?” Dan simply replied, stretching out his arms and grabbing the air with his hands. Phil chuckled at that and picked up the big present that was wrapped in red, shimmery paper and handed it to Dan.  
“What the hell is that?” Dan asked, shaking it a little bit and listening for any noises that would give the contents away.  
“Imagine if I would have gotten you something that was easily breakable... Goodbye, porcelain pig!” Phil said, shaking his head at Dan's actions.  
“Nah, you know me better than that by now.” Dan moved on to quickly rip the paper off the carton and proceeded to open it only to find a smaller box inside.  
“Are you kidding me, Phil?” Dan asked.  
“Just keep going, jeez, Dan. You know I'm a tease.” Phil attempted to wink, failing miserably as always.  
Dan had gone through 3 more boxes, piling them up carelessly next to them, when he reached the final layer. It was a simple envelope, dark red with “Merry Christmas” printed on it in golden letters. He opened it to find a letter inside. Dan read it, his eyes moving quickly over the paper, one hand moving up to his mouth.  
“I hope you like it...” Phil said when Dan's eyes had lifted off the paper.  
“Are you kidding? I absolutely love it! Do you know when were going yet?” he asked, moving over to Phil to squeeze him tightly, pressing a long, passionate kiss full of love onto his lips.  
“A weekend of your choice. We should probably wait until it's a little warmer though, I want to take you up to the Eiffel Tower and that's rather chilly during this time of year.”  
“I love it. I love it. I love it.” Dan said, emphasising each sentence with kisses onto Phil's cheek, forehead and lips. “And I love you” he added.  
It was now Phil's turn to open his present, so Dan got up and left the room and came back a few seconds later, wheeling in a huge-ass suitcase with him that had a bow tied around it.  
“I hope you like it” Dan said.  
“That's really cool, Dan!” Phil replied, genuinely excited. “That suitcase is going to be really useful when we travel for a longer period of time...” Dan realized that Phil thought the suitcase itself was the present.  
“Look inside, you doofus!” he exclaimed and Phil looked at him with eyes wide-open.  
“There's more inside?”  
“Of course there is! Did you really think the only thing I would get you is a suitcase?” Dan asked, shaking his head.  
“What? It looks like a really great suitcase!” Phil replied in his defense, quickly kneeling down in front of the suitcase, opening the bow tied around and undoing the zipper to reveal the content of the suitcase. Inside, he found a new pair of gloves, a new hat and a scarf that Dan had knitted himself. Phil couldn't believe it.  
“When did you do that?” he asked.  
“Well, I was kind of looking for a way to calm my nerves whenever I'm... you know, upset, and you can't be there. So I started watching knitting tutorials and ended up really enjoying it. It's not that good yet, though.”  
Phil pressed a kiss onto Dan's lips. “Well, I think it's amazing”  
He picked up the scarf and wrapped it around his neck as he continued going through the suitcase. After finding an Olaf plushy and an amazingly cozy reindeer-onesie that he would surely be putting on later today, he took out the biggest item in the suitcase: a huge winter coat that seemed almost too warm, even for British winter. He was about to put it all back into the suitcase, when Dan kneeled down next to him, smiling.  
“Maybe you should check the pockets of the coat.” So Phil did as he was told, only to reveal two plane tickets, scheduled to leave the next day. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the destination. He started crying, hugging and kissing Dan, squeezing him as if there was no tomorrow.

Passenger: PHILIP MICHAEL LESTER  
London Heathrow – Helsinki  
Helsinki – Ivalo

Ever since he was a little kid, Phil had wanted to see the northern lights. He found them fascinating, a part of nature so beautiful and pure... and it was about to become a reality with the man he loved right next to him. When he had finally calmed down a little bit and could detach himself long enough from Dan's mouth, the latter started to speak.  
“I know you always wanted to go... So I thought I'd surprise you. No phones, no nothing, just you and me. We'll be there for a week, I cleared your schedule and scheduled tweets and stuff so people won't notice anything. I rented us a little cottage up there and planned a few activities, but whatever you wanna do, we'll do. And since we're leaving tomorrow, I went ahead and started packing for you.” Phil simply couldn't stop smiling.  
“Why does this feel like a honeymoon?” They both chuckled a little bit.  
“Because maybe it is?” Dan replied. “Like a pre-honeymoon. Knowing us, we would probably mess up the real one somehow, so it's probably a good idea to practice so we'll be all settled and won't fuck it up when we actually do get married.” When. Not if. Thinking about it, Dan couldn't remember when exactly it changed to _when_ instead of _if_. What he did know, though, was that he couldn't wait for _when_ to arrive.  
And who knew that only four months after that, on a rather sunny day while they were overlooking all of Paris, the city of love, the man who was currently and very excitedly putting on his reindeer-onesie would get down on one knee next to him.


	26. 81. Sweet Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil are miles and miles apart and it's been too long since Phil came to visit...  
> aka: Phone sex is kinda awkward but they figure it out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been months since I last updated this and this is what I come back with... I'm so sorry.  
> This one's probably more rated M than rated T. There is mentions of bodily fluids, and making-out, although I wouldn't qualify this as smut. Pre- and Post-smut, maybe... Anyways, if that's not your thing, don't read - that's fine. I'll be back to non-sexual fluffiness shortly ;)

It had gotten dark outside a long time ago and Dan knew he had to get up early. Still, he just couldn't bring himself to end his call with Phil. It'd been weeks since they'd seen each other in person. Touched each other, shy kisses and lingering touches, mostly innocent, some _really, really not innocent_. Most of all, Dan missed having Phil in his arms when he was trying to go to sleep. Nothing helped him fall into that delirious state of floaty existence like Phil's even breath close to his ear, chest pressed against his back and an arm wrapped around his waist. Dan detached his phone from his ear for a few seconds, seeing the call time popping up as if to warn him about the imminent headache he'd have in the morning because of his lack of sleep.

“I really wish you were here right now” Dan busted out before thinking about it too much. It was true, after all. If Phil was there next to him, they'd find creative ways to tire themselves out...

“I wish I was there, too” Phil replied on the other end of the line.

“Really?” Dan smiled.

Phil only huffed out a quiet “Yeah” before the line went silent again. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence. More like an expecting silence, filled with unspoken requests. They'd never done this. Not on the phone. Even when they were intimate with each other, their sounds were usually limited to a delicious variety of moans, profanities and yelling each other's (nick) names. But sue him, Dan was 18 years old, his boyfriend lived on the other bloody end of the country and he was horny as fuck. So he decided to risk it.

“If you were here, what would you do?” he asked, trying to smooth out the obvious shakiness in his voice. He heard Phil's breath hitch but other than that, the line stayed quiet. “Oh my God, I am so sorry, forget I ever even asked anything” Dan cringed at himself. Was he seriously hoping for Phil to just start talking all dirty over the phone?

“No...” Phil cleared his throat. “No, it's fine I just... I wasn't sure if you meant it like that.”

Dan let out the breath he'd been holding. “I did. I mean, if you want. We don't have to do any...”

He was interrupted by a voice he knew must belong to Phil. But his tone was deeper. Silkier. Different. Sexy.

“I think if I were there, I'd be laying next to you in bed right now. And we... we would have been kissing for hours, because it's been weeks since I last saw you and my lips really missed yours.” Dan put one of his fingers onto his own mouth. Delicately, like a butterfly. He swore he could feel Phil's lips on his. “So we'd probably both look a little dishevelled already and you're lips would be a little swollen and very, very red. And puffy. Which only makes me want to kiss you more. Get your mouth all over me before you finally put it where I'd crave it most.” Dan felt himself shiver.

“Holy shit Phil”

“Is that too much?” Phil asked, his voice sounding a lot closer to the one Dan was used to hearing. “No, no not at all. Please continue.” Dan could imagine the grin that spread on Phil's face, even though he couldn't actually see it.

“Well, it's usually warm in your room, especially if we've been making out for a while. So I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be wearing a shirt...”

 

***

 

“Holy fuck” were the first words that came out of Dan's mouth when he could finally form coherent sentences again. “I think you talking dirty to me might be my new favourite kink.”

“I enjoyed it, too. Made me feel all...manly.” Phil giggled, contradicting his previous statement in a way Dan found incredibly endearing.

“Do you think we could do that again some time? Maybe not over the phone?”

“What do you mean?” Dan wasn't sure if Phil was actually clueless or if he just wanted Dan to put his desire into words. “I mean like... Telling me what to do? Giving me orders?”

He heard a grunt on the other end of the line. “Dan, please. The jizz on my hands isn't even dry yet, please don't make me hard again.” Dan let out a little huff of amusement.

“Alrighty then, speaking of drying cum... I need to get up and clean myself. Also I'm pretty sure I should change the sheets.”

“Don't”

“I'm sorry, what was that?” Dan was sure he must've misheard Phil.

“Don't. That way I'm the first thing you think about in the morning” Phil replied, as if his intentions were obvious.

“You're always the first thing I think about, I don't need sticky, dried up cum to remind me of you.” Dan almost shook his head in disbelief. This wasn't the vanilla-type man he'd met just a couple of months ago. Maybe, he thought, for once the distance between them helped to speak about hidden desires that they weren't ready to discuss in person. At least not yet.

“That's good to know. You're the first thing I think about as well.” Phil said. “I'm gonna let you get to it then, I'm really tired now. Sweet dreams, Mr. Howell”

“I'm pretty sure we'll both have those." 


	27. 52. Have fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the 24th of December 2018 and Dan doesn't want to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back to regular and fluffy content everybody. Is it okay to write Christmas fics in May? Asking for a friend...

The last couple of days had been an absolute bliss. Dan loved spending time with Phil’s family on the Isle of Man. It always felt like an escape to him. Even when he didn’t necessarily feel like he needed an escape from anything specifically, spending time with the Lesters, a family that did Christmas like no other family Dan had ever met, was lovely.

He loved having a huge, home-cooked meal prepared by Kath every night. He snickered at Nigel commenting on Martyn’s weird film choices whenever it was his turn to pick during movie night. He spent hours talking to Cornelia about all the art fairs she’d been to since they last saw her. The best part of it all, though, was seeing Phil surrounded by all the people he loved most in the world. It had become such a treasured memory for him over the years that, whenever he thought about Christmas time, those were the images that came to his mind – n ot his mum, grandparents and brother awkwardly sitting around the dinner table trying to make conversation on Christmas Day. And most definitely n ot the call he’d get from his dad, usually a day or two later. He’d mostly stopped calling now, although he did manage to send a card every year, sometimes even attaching a 20-pound note to it.

 

No matter how much he didn’t want to go, it was time for him to leave the Lester’s happy wintery sanctuary to make his trip down south to be with his family (the one he was related to by blood) in time for Christmas Day. When planning his holidays this year, Dan had made sure to stretch his time with the Lesters as much as p ossible. His fear of overstaying his welcome had been undermined by both Phil (in person) and Kath (on the phone), who seemed almost offended he’d even think those things.

 

So his flight was scheduled to leave in the early afternoon hours of the 24th. Nigel was kind enough to offer him a ride to the airport, which Dan gladly accepted.

 

Phil and him were currently saying their goodbyes in the guest room they’d been staying in. They always said goodbye in here, as neither of them was a big fan of displays of affection in front of Phil’s family (not that any of them minded) and Dan tended to get quite emotional during these. Today was n o exception. “Have fun” Phil said, hugging Dan tightly. They’d be seeing each other again in only a few days, but Phil knew that this was a trying time for Dan.

“You know I won’t. Not unless you’re there with me.” Phil smiled a small smile and bumped his nose against Dan’s.

“Maybe next time?” Phil’s hopefulness was appreciated, yet not reciprocated. The little question held so much more meaning these days. Maybe this time Dan would actually be courageous enough to tell his family. Maybe they’d be kind and loving and accepting. Maybe he could bring Phil along for the next family gathering. As his boyfriend. Officially. Maybe. Probably not.

 

Dan was sat in the car when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he didn’t want to seem rude towards Phil’s dad , who was currently reciting a childhood story of Phil’s that Dan had heard at least a hundred times before – it was one of Nigel’s favourites . He finally checked his phone when he got in line for baggage drop-off.

 

**Phil**

I believe in you :-)

And I miss you already <3

 

He smiled as he made his way to the person behind the counter. Yeah, maybe this time he would do it.

 

**

“ Have fun” Kath shouted, waving towards the family car with Nigel in the front and Dan and Phil in the back, each a tupperware box of goodies in their lap. Dan felt reminded of the year before. Of the hopefulness in Phil’s voice at the thought of spending the next Christmas together. For real. Like real couples do. It didn’t seem real back then, yet somehow, it was very real right now. Dan took Phil’s hand and squeezed it lightly as they drove towards the airpo _rt._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I'm entirely happy with the ending here, but I figured I need to get over myself and just start posting again ;)  
> I hope you are all doing well, staying safe and staying at home. <3


End file.
